IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people think it s good for teenagers to have part time jobs, while other people believe teenagers should not work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #teenagers #part #time #jobs #work
It has been debated whether someone is supposed to work
while
 studying or not. In my opinion, I think it depends on their situations
as well as
 individualists. First of all, students who want to generate a sustainable income in their professional life to enhance their family's well-being have an opportunity to join the labour market
although
, they are not graduated.
This
 solution has various benefits, To illustrate
further
, workers are able to learn real knowledge that the universities do not teach them,
moreover
, they will be given real-life experience either the value of money or the value of the connections.
Furthermore
, in the future, workers could write
this
 experience in their resume for the application leading to a higher profile significantly compared to other candidates who don’t have
this
 training.
In addition
, you can improve the balance sheet of your family, including, buying anything that you need to use.
On the other hand
, despite its goodness and necessity individualists can use another option because they want to spend a amount of time and energy causing their GPA may decrease
as well as
 their mental health
that is
 not good in the long term,
hence
, they should look at their inspiration what they must have,
For example
, in the financial sector, a number of careers were not required about work experience but required the suitable certificate for
this
 career, So, should someone have been joining in the labour market more ten years, they don’t have CFA certificate most of the companies will ignore your resume
thus
, you are supposed to observe about the job requirement.
To conclude
,
this
 answer relies on the situation, Financial statement and inspiration if you want more money or your job , part-time has an important influence on you,
while
, if you must spend time and energy on other necessities,
this
 choice is not suitable for you.
Submitted by amittawin on

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coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure and makes logical progression from introduction to conclusion. The ideas present are cohesive and connected effectively.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response to the task by discussing both views and giving a clear opinion. However, some ideas lack clarity and specific examples could be provided for better illustration.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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