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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the number of children in two different age groups in an average class in different countries.

The bar chart shows the number of children in two different age groups in an average class in different countries.
#bar #children #two #age #groups #class #countries
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The bar graph illustrates the
number
Use synonyms
 of
students
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 an average
class
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 at different ages (9 and 13) in different countries. It is clearly shown in the graph that
Hong
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Kong
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 and
Japan
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 had the most 
number
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 of
students
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 at the
age
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 of 9;
Hong
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Kong
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 had 35
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number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
students
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 per
class
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 at
age
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 9
while
Linking Words
Japan
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 had
Linking Words
moreover
Rephrase
apply
show examples
31
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number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
students
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 per
class
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.
However
Linking Words
,
Japan
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 had an
increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 
number
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 of
students
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 to about 24 but the
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students
Correct quantifier usage
number of students
show examples
 in
Hong
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Kong
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 dropped
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 31
students
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 per
class
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 at the
age
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13
Change preposition
of 13
show examples
. The United States and the Global Average had an equal
number
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 of 23
students
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 per
class
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 at the
age
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 of 9 but fell by
age
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 13. Russia,
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add the comma(s)
,hand
show examples
 got the lowest
number
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 of
students
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 both at
age
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 9 and 13, having only 10 and 9
students
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 per
class
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accordingly
Linking Words
.
Lastly
Linking Words
, at the
age
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 of
9
Add a comma
, 9
show examples
there were more
students
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 in
Hong
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Kong
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 but as the
students
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 reached the
age
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 of 13, most of the
students
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were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
studied in
Japan
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by PONKAJ DEY on

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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, students, class, hong, kong, japan, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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