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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below give data on the spending and consumption of resources by countries of the world and how the population is distributed.

The pie charts below give data on the spending and consumption of resources by countries of the world and how the population is distributed.
#data #consumption #resources #countries #world #population
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
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pie chart provides information on expenditure and
resources
Change the noun form
resource
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 consumption in specific areas
in
Change preposition
of
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 the world, Including population distribution. Units
was
Change the verb form
were
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 represented by percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
, the USA and Europe
were become
Change to the active voice
became
have become
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 the dominant
country
Fix the agreement mistake
countries
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 that used resources even though most of the
world
Change noun form
world's
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 population
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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lived in Asia.
However
Linking Words
, food dominantly contributed to global spending
while
Linking Words
 a huge amount of proportion is from
others category
Fix the agreement mistake
other categories
show examples
 (the unspecified group). In terms of resource consumption, the USA and Europe stood at 60% proportion
while
Linking Words
 other
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 remained less, just 40%.
Conversely
Linking Words
, 57% population is in Asia, followed by Europe and America
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 had 14%
while
Linking Words
 Africa just 10%.
In addition
Linking Words
, world spending was varied, starting from food that
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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contributed the most at 24%
while
Linking Words
 transport and housing were 18% and 12%, respectively.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 was
an
Change the article
apply
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evident that 40% of
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 proportion was unspecified category which
making
Wrong verb form
made
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this
Linking Words
 number
was become
Verb problem
apply
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the highest among
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 categories.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pie charts
  • data
  • spending habits
  • consumption
  • resources
  • population distribution
  • comparison
  • patterns
  • developed countries
  • developing countries
  • implications
  • disparities
  • environmental consequences
  • social impacts
  • sustainability
  • economic development
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