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Band 7.5

Studying art in school improves students' performance in other subjects, because it is easier for multi-skilled students to learn new things. That's why art should be obligatory in schools. Do you agree or disagree?

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Sometimes, there was a controversial debate about compulsory creative lessons and why
this
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 subject is an indispensable part of some top-notch universities. I absolutely agree with the application of
art
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 lectures in the curriculum because studying
art
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 can develop both hemispheres of the brain and increase the levels of scrutiny and focusing capacity.
To begin
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, studying
art
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 could improve the intelligence of learners, which leads to higher academic performance.
In particular
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, students could stimulate their innovative capability by doing new activities,
such
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 as extreme sports or sightseeing in distinctive
art
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 galleries, just to find new inspirations after a long period of working hard. These rest periods
also
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 help them contemplate the
overall
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 landscape and find an optimal way to do their assignments.
Additionally
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, from these exciting experiences, apprentices have more inspiration and better innovative capability, which stimulates both hemispheres of the brain, leading to better cognitive balance. In
further
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 explanation, these people could use learning materials integrating visual and auditory, which led to better memories and deeper understanding in other courses. Some statistical reports, which were conducted by reputed universities, indicated that cadets with both sides developed hemispheres could have higher scores in almost all the subjects than most undergraduates.
Consequently
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, these professors believe that
art
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 should be obligatory in schools.
Additionally
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, the artwork-producing process requires a high level of scrutiny and focusing capacity to complete a product accomplishment. In order to complete a masterpiece, learners must remove surrounding distractions to improve their concentration and avoid minor mistakes because it is hard to repair their recent errors.
Hence
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, these people who studied
art
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 could have better performance
due to
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 their own better concentration, which makes them avoid mistakes.
Lastly
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, well-rounded graduates could receive benefits if they follow one of these majors in their universities including marketing, design and architecture, which helps them receive more priority from their recruiters.
To conclude
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,
art
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 has been proven that a complementary part of the curriculum as multi-skilled students have the ability to learn new things and make better outcomes with fewer mistakes.

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task achievement
Your task response is strong and relevant. Ensure you explicitly mention 'obligation' in both introduction and conclusion to fully address that part of the prompt.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are clear and well-organized, occasional improvements in sentence structure can enhance clarity. Shorter, more concise sentences can help articulate complex ideas more effectively.
coherence cohesion
Using more varied and precise vocabulary and avoiding repetition of phrases like 'better performance' will enrich your text. Aim for a more diverse lexical range to improve comprehension and engagement.
task achievement
You provided a comprehensive response with compelling explanations and relevant examples, which demonstrated a solid understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, enhancing the overall structure and ensuring the reader understands your position effectively.
coherence cohesion
Main ideas are well-supported with logical reasoning, which strengthens the argument of making art obligatory in schools.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive development
  • Critical thinking
  • Motor skills
  • Creativity
  • Perspectives
  • Emotional outlet
  • Cultural appreciation
  • Global awareness
  • Historical art movements
  • Spatial intelligence
  • Curriculum overload
  • Non-competitive
  • Exposure
  • Cross-disciplinary benefits
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