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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that strict punishments for driving offences are the key to reducing traffic accidents. Others, however, believe that other measures would be more effective in improving road safety. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

There are two opinions on the way to deal with driving offences.
While
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 some think that we must give strict punishments to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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traffic accidents, others believe that other measures would be more appropriate. Personally, I think that strict punishment could help even if other ways exist like campaigns
of
Change preposition
for
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 prevention. Severe consequences could help to deter
the
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apply
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drivers from committing driving mistakes. The fact they could lose their license or have to pay a fine which no one wants to do, could deter them from driving anyhow.
For
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instance
Add a comma
instance,
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 a person
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 is in financial difficulty and drives to work
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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 would not take the risk of losing his license or
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
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 a fine because he needs money and
also
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 needs to take the car
everyday
Replace the word
every day
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.
On the other hand
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, traffic accidents could as well be dealt with by campaigns of prevention. The use of prevention on the risks taken for driving offences could help drivers to realize the consequences of their acts that could be tragic.
For example
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, a campaign took place by the
french
Capitalize word
French
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 government in 2021 showing a family destroyed after an accident.
This
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 accident was
due to
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 the father not respecting the limitation of speed. The result was that 71% of the people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 watched
this
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 video changed the way they drive and were more careful.
To conclude
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, there are many ways of making the roads more safe. The severe répressions can help people drive more safely.
Although
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, there are other alternatives like doing videos to prevent the risks.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly outlines both views and your opinion. This will help set the stage for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to improve the overall flow of ideas.
task achievement
Ensure that each example is more detailed and directly supports the point you are making to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
You provided good examples to illustrate your points, which adds depth to your argument.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • deterrent
  • repeat offenses
  • infrastructure improvements
  • public awareness campaigns
  • reckless driving
  • traffic management technologies
  • intelligent traffic lights
  • speed cameras
  • public transportation
  • minimize
  • enhance safety
  • allocate funds
  • road signs
  • road safety
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