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Writing Samples
Band 9

Some people think that the government should offer financial support and care to elderly, while others think that people should save money for their future life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Issues related to
government
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support
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 for elderly people are frequently discussed these days.
Although
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 some believe that old citizens should save
money
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 for their future lives, others criticize
this
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 and argue that the
government
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 should offer financial
support
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 and care to them. The two sides of
this
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 argument will be thoroughly discussed and analyzed in the essay before drawing a reasoned conclusion. On the one hand, there are some demerits associated with offering
money
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 to senior persons. First and foremost is the lack of financial management in some groups. To explain, aged individuals should prepare themself for their payments after retirement.
For instance
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, hospital and doctor fees are a large number of expenses from all bills.
Thus
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, If old people can take care of themself without
support
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 from the
government
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, we can manage taxes to develop other pain points in the country which are transportation, health care, education, and others.
On the other hand
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, there are several merits of
this
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 funding. The principal merit is youngsters and offspring can save their
money
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 from their parent's monthly expenses.
In other words
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, they can purchase anything that they want so the country's economy will grow significantly.
Moreover
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, their parents can look after themself so they have more time to focus on their work or businesses. To summarise, the two points of view of the argument concerning financial
support
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 to old people. I am of the opinion that the
government
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 should appropriately offer
this
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money
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 to them because it indirectly helps their economy.

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coherence cohesion
Consider diversifying your sentence structures to enhance readability and interest. Implementing a variety of complex sentences could make your arguments even more compelling.
task achievement
To further improve, aim to provide a wider range of relevant, specific examples that support your arguments. This helps to strengthen your case and engage the reader.
task achievement
Enhance the depth of your conclusion by summarizing both viewpoints more extensively before stating your opinion. This strengthens your argumentative stance and demonstrates a thorough consideration of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a clear logical structure, with a coherent flow from introduction to conclusion. Excellent work!
task achievement
You successfully addressed the task, providing a balanced discussion on both views and a clear personal opinion. Excellent job!

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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