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Writing Samples
Band 6

Thye diagram shows the information about the productionb of beer

Thye diagram shows the information about the productionb of beer
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The diagram depicts data about the manufacture of
beer
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
 it is noticeable that there are 11 main stages of production of
beer
Use synonyms
, which start from milling and end with packing.
In addition
Linking Words
, only the
last
Linking Words
 stage requires manual work when
people
Use synonyms
 pack
beer
Use synonyms
 in various places,
whereas
Linking Words
 others can be done with different equipment.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
people
Use synonyms
 malted barley through milling and after it was exported to mashing where it produce water.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is laundered with grain animal feed.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 process requires a durable time . After that, it boils when
people
Use synonyms
 add hops and sugar which plays a crucial part of producing
beer
Use synonyms
. The next phase of the process is called whirlpool where
beer
Use synonyms
 cooling and fermenting.
However
Linking Words
, it includes some compounds,
such
Linking Words
 as yeast and CO2. Following that it maturing and filtering which requires a lot of time, approximately 3 hours. Ultimately, in the final stages, it is packaged in many ways ,
such
Linking Words
 as buses and bottles.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 process repeated again as soon as
people
Use synonyms
 started production of
beer
Use synonyms

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, such".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words beer, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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