IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on peoples' behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #peoples #behaviour
Nowadays, Television and video games have become vital parts of entertainment. Certain people raise an argument that spending all their time watching violated sequences would have a greater impact on the environment.
On the other hand
, Some of them have a strong opinion that there is no possibility of devastation.
According to
 my point, close connections with electronic devices would have a negative cause on society.
To begin
 with, watching or playing
such
 kind of violent content might change a person's personality.
Furthermore
, people try to copy the scene which is being telecast on the television. To give a good example, most youngsters have started to behave in a negative role in real-time as they are impressed on seeing
such
 things in the screenplay. By
this
, students have deviated from their original character.
On the other hand
, there is an opposing argument by another sort of community that they believe that cinemas or entertainment courses are not related to the crime rate
that is
 evolving at present.
Besides
, people
also
 have explanations for
such
 kind of
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
, they say
this
 would have happened
due to
 their worst experience in society.
for instance
, Teenagers are easily driven into
such
 kind of action to prevent themselves from being bullied by others
while
 they fail to find support to stand by them. From my perspective, the constant use of electronic devices would change the lives of the public which makes them less communicative and aggressive toward other
fellowmates
Correct your spelling
fellow mates
 In conclusion,
although
 some populaces that these technical devices are completely a non-impact factor on individuals life.
However
, in viewpoint, contiguous contact with negative things might slowly result in demolishing one originality.
Submitted by suwaashaperumal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response & Coherence/Cohesion
The essay provides a satisfactory response to the task, but there are areas for improvement in terms of coherence and cohesion. The essay lacks clarity in connecting ideas and developing a logical structure. It also requires better use of examples to support the main points. To improve, focus on organizing the ideas more clearly and providing specific and relevant examples to support the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: