IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

More children are becoming overweight. Therefore, daily physical education classes should be compulsory in primary and secondary schools. To what extent do you agree?

It is often argued that everyday physical training classes should be mandatory in school, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 can help them to shed extra weight and become active during the
daytime
Check wording
day
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. I strongly agree with the statement
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I have ample points to prove my
point-of-view
Use the right word
point of view
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.
To begin
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 with, a sedentary lifestyle and diet are the two main reasons why today's generation is gaining a lot of weight. The majority of children like to play video games on their mobile phones or Laptops during their free time
they
Punctuation problem
. They
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 just sit in one place and do not do any movement
Linking Words
hence
Punctuation problem
, hence
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 over time they can become overweight. To tackle
this
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 rising issue, it is really important for schools to introduce some physical activities during their break time.
Moreover
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, students should be rewarded during their progression period as it is going to motivate
them
Punctuation problem
them,
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hence
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 it is going to produce better results.
For example
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, a survey published by
BBC
Correct article usage
the BBC
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 showed that around sixty-eight
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of the current generation in the US is overweight
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is an alarming number.
Moreover
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, a large number of young
ones
Check wording
people
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 like to
junk
Verb problem
eat junk
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food
Use synonyms
 during their break
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the most famous
option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 either burgers or Pizza. Eating all
this
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 unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 makes them obese and
also
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 causes them heart and kidney problems. To overcome
this
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 problem, parents should cook for their children as there is nothing compared to
homemade
Punctuation problem
homemade,
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delicious
Punctuation problem
delicious,
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 healthy
food
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, it is often seen that
the ones
Use the right word
those
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 who eat home-cooked
food
Use synonyms
 tend to be more healthy as compared to their
fellow
Correct word choice
apply
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peers.
To conclude
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, I fully support the idea of having physical classes as it can be beneficial for students when it comes to their health and introducing it in their early years of school is like a
cheery
Use the right word
cherry
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 on top. There is a famous saying that "Health is Wealth".

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Task response
Be clear about your main view in the first lines and keep it in every paragraph.
Content
Add more strong examples that come from school life to back your points.
Coherence
Use connect words to show how ideas go one after the other.
Language
Use short, plain sentences and check grammar so errors go down.
Idea
The writer says a clear view.
Content
Some good ideas to link to health and work at school.
Effect
Ends with a saying to sum up.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • early intervention
  • mandatory
  • physical education
  • physical activity
  • lifelong habits
  • socioeconomic background
  • equity in health
  • challenges
  • facilities
  • qualified instructors
  • academic time
  • negative attitudes
  • engages
  • holistic approach
  • nutrition
  • progressive curriculum
  • injury and burnout
  • cognitive benefits
  • concentration
  • learning retention
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