IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people think that fittest and strongest individuals and the team can achieve success in sports, while others believe that success depends on mental attitude. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #individuals #team #success #sports #attitude
Some individuals claim that
people
 with slender and splendid
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
team
Fix the agreement mistake
teams
show examples
 can
reach
Verb problem
achieve
show examples
success
 in sports,
while
 others claim that
success
 depends on mental
health
. I support those who think
think
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
that mental
health
 plays a valuable role in
success
.
This
 essay will discuss both points of view. In today's
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
 most
people
 still
achieving
Wrong verb form
achieve
show examples
 their goals in
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 because of their strong
body
.
However
, to achieve a strong
body
 they put a lot of effort
for
Change preposition
into
show examples
 it. A primary example of
this
,
one
Add a missing verb
is one
show examples
 of the
famous
Correct quantifier usage
most famous
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 in the world
Crishtiano
Correct your spelling
Cristiano
 Ronaldo who
overcome
Wrong verb form
overcame
show examples
 difficulties and became famous because of
strong
Correct pronoun usage
their strong
his strong
her strong
show examples
body
 and good play.
As a result
, most
people
 started to admire
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
him. Recent research found that over half of
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
reach
Correct subject-verb agreement
reaches
show examples
 the purposes in sport because of
Crishtiano
Correct your spelling
Cristiano
 Ronaldo.
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
this
 essay disagrees with
this
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 opinion that
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 might achieve their purposes with
strong
Add an article
a strong
show examples
body
 and
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 team because
people
 almost need
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
mental support to achieve a goal.
On the other hand
, a majority of folk
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that without
mental
Correct article usage
a mental
show examples
 attitude they can not have
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
success
due to
 the fact that it plays a vital role in their career progression.
Moreover
,
people
 might not live without mental
health
.
Firstly
,
people
 should show and control their mental
health
 as it can
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to serious problems if they
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not control them.
Secondly
, relatives or family of
people
 should always support them to increase mental attitude which might
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
motivation
Correct article usage
the motivation
show examples
 of
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 to achieve
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
success
.
For example
, if they
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have low mental
health
 and motivation they might decrease their power which plays
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 part in
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
success
. Recent research
of
Change preposition
by
show examples
 Arizona University found that, over 80
percentage
Replace the word
per cent
show examples
 of folk even teenagers achieve their purposes because of
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 mental attitude. In conclusion,
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 a strong and fittest
body
 may
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
help to realise dreams, but mental
health
 will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
play a significant role
even
Rephrase
apply
show examples
in sports or not.
Moreover
, nowadays more
people
 achieve their dreams with great
realtionships
Correct your spelling
relationships
 with mental,
while
public
Correct article usage
the public
show examples
 who have a strong
body
 can not achieve.
Submitted by dimash171206 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: