IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#children #lifestyle #schools #parents
I totally agree with the statement that both
parents
 and
schools
 are responsible for helping their
children
 to live
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a healthy
lifestyle
. I would say that the
parents
 should be in charge of more responsibility than
schools
. I would like to explain it in the following three points.
First,
we need to think of the reasons why
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 would live an unhealthy
lifestyle
. It could be they learn unhealthy
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 from their
parents
 first.
For example
, one of my friends's
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 sleeps really late, at around 12 am. I found that his
parents
 always stay up late at night too, either watching YouTube videos or playing video games, which
attrack
Correct your spelling
attract
attack
 the kid a lot. He always stays late with his
parents
 as well and goes to bed after his
parents
 turn off all the devices. I would say in
this
 case, the
parents
 should be fully responsible for
this
 unhealthy late sleeping habit because they keep the child awake. The
parents
 should live a healthy
lifestyle
first,
and play a role model for their
children
 to solve
this
 problem.
Second,
I think
parents
 spend more time with their
children
 compared to
schools
. If we talk about the
children
 in K-12
schools
, they normally go to school around 9 am and get released at 3 pm. They will spend the rest of their day with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
parents
, which is approximately eight hours. The
children
 will eat with their
parents
,
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
play with their
parents
, and
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do their assignments with
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
parents
. I would assume if the
children
 have
unhealthy
Add an article
an unhealthy
show examples
 diet, they have to eat it because the
parents
 cook it for them. They
literaturelly
Correct your spelling
literally
 do not have choices about what to eat and have to stay with what their
parents
 feed them. If we want to keep those kids with good eating
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
, we have to educate their
parents
. In
this
 case, the
parents
 should learn how to give their
children
 healthy meals to help them get used to a healthy
lifestyle
.
Third,
the
schools
also
 have their responsibilities as well. The reason why sending
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 to
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 is to let them have the knowledge to live a healthy and wealthy life. The
schools
 should teach them what are good
habits
 and what are bad
habits
 so they are aware
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 a healthy
lifestyle
 can lead them to live longer and happier. The
schools
 should
also
 provide some resources,
for example
, if the
children
 can eat at school, give them
Correct article usage
a nutritous
show examples
nutritous
Correct your spelling
nutritious
 breakfast and lunch. It is
also
 necessary that the
schools
could
Verb problem
apply
show examples
teach
parents
 how to take care of their kids so the kids are not spoiled. It is not uncommon
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
 young
children
develop
Fix the infinitive
to develop
show examples
 bad
habits
 and unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
. To keep them healthy and happy, both
parents
 and
schools
 should make an effort to identify their unhealthy
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
, teach them to live a healthy
lifestyle
, and make sure they entirely get rid of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
unhealthy
habits
.
Submitted by billyzhu52 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The examples provided could be more specific and relevant to the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure and coherence should be improved, ensuring clear progression from one idea to another.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary and expressions. Also, try to avoid repetition of words and phrases.
grammatical range
Work on using a variety of sentence structures and improve the accuracy of sentence constructions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unhealthy lifestyle
  • growing concern
  • crucial role
  • addressing this issue
  • promote healthy habits
  • educational programs
  • physical activities
  • establish healthy routines
  • nutritious meals
  • collaboration
What to do next:
Look at other essays: