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Band 4

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#amount #children #effects
A growing number of advertisements today are created
toward
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
 and some believe
this
 issue is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 kids and should be banned. In my opinion,
although
 commercials can pose some negative impacts on
children
, they have not yet reached the level of being prohibited. On the one hand, advertising aimed at
children
 has some disadvantages.
Firstly
, it impacts on family relationships.
Children
 are vulnerable and easily manipulated by
medium
Add an article
the medium
show examples
 of publicizing, so they insist their parents buy advertised products.
However
, adults know that products are not necessary and deny the demand,
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to conflicts between
children
 and their parents.
Furthermore
, the impact on
children
’s health is the biggest harm that advertising causes to them.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
show examples
 of commercials targeted at kids are unhealthy food like sweets, junk food and soft drinks, they contain a high amount of sugar and fat, but they are appealing.
Nevertheless
,
children
 do not pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 problems, they just feel these kinds of food are irresistible and the overconsumption of
children
 for these products
leading
Wrong verb form
leads to
show examples
 many
risk
Change to a plural noun
risks
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 health.
However
, I believe there should not be a ban on adverts aimed at
children
, because they still have several benefits for society. Advertising plays an important role in the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 market.
This
 is because a commercial must go through multiple steps before reaching consumers
such
 as coming up with ideas, designing and finding a suitable media.
Therefore
, there are many vacancies responding to those demands. Without advertising there would be higher unemployment. In conclusion, advertisements
affect
Rephrase
negatively affect
show examples
 badly on
children
’s health and cohesion between kids and their parents, but there are still many positives for society.
Submitted by ieltsamiedu on

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introduction and conclusion
Ensure that the introduction presents a clear position on the topic and that the conclusion restates the main points and the position taken.
coherence and cohesion
Work on organizing the ideas in a more logical manner, including clear topic sentences and supporting details. Use cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs together.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied expressions to convey your ideas effectively.
grammatical range
Work on sentence structure and grammatical accuracy to avoid errors and improve overall fluency.
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