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Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays a large amount of advertising aimed at children should be banned because of the negative effects. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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A growing number of advertisements today are created
toward
Change preposition
for
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children
Use synonyms
 and some believe
this
Linking Words
 issue is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
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 kids and should be banned. In my opinion,
although
Linking Words
 commercials can pose some negative impacts on
children
Use synonyms
, they have not yet reached the level of being prohibited. On the one hand, advertising aimed at
children
Use synonyms
 has some disadvantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it impacts on family relationships.
Children
Use synonyms
 are vulnerable and easily manipulated by
medium
Add an article
the medium
show examples
 of publicizing, so they insist their parents buy advertised products.
However
Linking Words
, adults know that products are not necessary and deny the demand,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 leads to conflicts between
children
Use synonyms
 and their parents.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the impact on
children
Use synonyms
’s health is the biggest harm that advertising causes to them.
Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
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 of commercials targeted at kids are unhealthy food like sweets, junk food and soft drinks, they contain a high amount of sugar and fat, but they are appealing.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 do not pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
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healthy
Replace the word
health
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 problems, they just feel these kinds of food are irresistible and the overconsumption of
children
Use synonyms
 for these products
leading
Wrong verb form
leads to
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 many
risk
Change to a plural noun
risks
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of
Change preposition
to
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 health.
However
Linking Words
, I believe there should not be a ban on adverts aimed at
children
Use synonyms
, because they still have several benefits for society. Advertising plays an important role in the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 market.
This
Linking Words
 is because a commercial must go through multiple steps before reaching consumers
such
Linking Words
 as coming up with ideas, designing and finding a suitable media.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there are many vacancies responding to those demands. Without advertising there would be higher unemployment. In conclusion, advertisements
affect
Rephrase
negatively affect
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 badly on
children
Use synonyms
’s health and cohesion between kids and their parents, but there are still many positives for society.

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introduction and conclusion
Ensure that the introduction presents a clear position on the topic and that the conclusion restates the main points and the position taken.
coherence and cohesion
Work on organizing the ideas in a more logical manner, including clear topic sentences and supporting details. Use cohesive devices to link ideas and paragraphs together.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary and use more precise and varied expressions to convey your ideas effectively.
grammatical range
Work on sentence structure and grammatical accuracy to avoid errors and improve overall fluency.
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