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Band 8

Violence in playgrounds is increasing. However, it is important that parents should teach children not to hit back at bullies. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#violence #playgrounds #parents #children
Brutality incidents that happen in playgrounds rise every time. There is an opinion that parents should give information to their children not to reply the violence. In
this
 ,situation children as victims should get protection and information. I agree with
this
 statement with my explanation below
as well as
 providing examples to support my view.
Firstly
, offspring have two important figures in
this
 situation which are their actual mother and father and their teachers.
Hence
, there should be communication between parents and teachers, so they can teach them properly.
Secondly
, Mother and Father must teach them to be kind to anyone at home.
Moreover
, education at home is one of the most important for them because it is the first learning for them. They should ask their kids about their activity at school after they come home, so they can monitor it.
On the other hand
, a teacher at school must control all activities of their students. It will be protection for the offspring.
Moreover
, school as a second education should give information not to hit back at bullies for every student. The children should express freely their feelings to their teacher, so the teacher can inform them not to hit back at that time. In conclusion, in spite of the fact that violence in playgrounds is increasing, I believe that parents and teachers should give education for the kids to be kind and not reply to bullies, so the incidents will decrease. Moral values must be taught from childhood for a better future without violence.
Submitted by madekevinbratawisnu on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear stance. However, make sure to fully develop each point and provide more specific examples to support the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion. Work on transitioning between ideas and paragraphs to improve coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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