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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar,which causes many health problems. sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar.

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
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In
this
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 contemporary world, more and more
people
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 have health problems because the producers add too much sugar to processed
food
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 and drink. In order to prevent
people
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 from dying to have the massive sugar, some
people
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 think we should add more taxes on sugary
products
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, so that the
price
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 will be more expensive and
people
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 will reduce buying
food
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 with the high levels of sugar. Personally, I totally don’t agree with raising the
price
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. In my opinion, the reason why
people
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 consume so much high-sugar
food
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 and drinks is
people
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 are easier to get and cheaper to buy than fresh
food
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 or zero-sugar nutriment, many
people
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 would like to purchase unhealthy
food
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. First of all, because processed
food
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 is cheaper than healthy and fresh
food
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 and the salary is too low or there are many
people
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 in one family, they can’t spend too much money only on
food
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 and drinks every day, they have no choice but to buy the processed
food
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.
Hence
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, the main problem is about the
price
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 and I don’t think increasing the
price
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 will be useful for
this
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 complicated situation. Another reason is that the processed
food
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 is more convenient to get. When walking on the road, most stores on the street sell more unhealthy
products
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 than healthy ones even in the supermarkets.
Therefore
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, the other way to solve the problem is to encourage the sellers to have more low-sugar goods in their stores. I think when
people
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 see them in sight, they are willing to buy. In conclusion, I disagree that sugary
products
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 are more expensive to reduce their quality. The more suitable ways are to lower the
price
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 of the low-sugar rather than the high-sugar
products
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 and sell them in as many shops as possible.
Submitted by Joanna on

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relevant examples
Try to add specific statistical or anecdotal evidence to better support your points. This will make your arguments more believable and coherent.
grammar
Watch your grammar and punctuation. There are several sentences that are difficult to read due to lack of punctuation or awkward phrasing.
clarity
Try to ensure that your ideas are clear and your points are well explained. Some paragraphs lacked clarity, especially the one discussing the affordability of healthy foods.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
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