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Band 6

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
Nowadays, a lot of
people
 are eating junk
food
 and
this
 is a very problem because it increases the diseases
above all
 on the earth. Fortunately, in my view, there are some ways we can deal with
this
 problem like improving physical activities, eating healthy
food
 and changing bad habits.
According to
 some news, in some ,countries the average weight of
people
 is increasing and
this
 is causing problems. In
this
 essay, I will explain how can solve
this
 and what are the causes of the problems.
For instance
, in almost all the states there are a huge number of fast
food
 where
people
 always eat. One time,
this
 only happened in America but with , the technology it has started to spread
also
 to Europe.
On the other hand
, it’s our fault because we decide what to eat, but sadly it is
due to
 our busy life. There are some possible solutions, in my ,opinion that can be done to prevent society from becoming unfit.
Firstly
, physical activities should be improved among employees who work for a long time.
For instance
, companies should give time to their staff to exercise.
Furthermore
, regular exercise plans can increase significantly their level of health and fitness.
Secondly
, a healthy diet is the key to being fit. If
people
 want to improve their health, they should eat home-cooked
food
 without fat. In conclusion, there are two main reasons related to raising a person’s weight including having unhealthy foods and a few body movements. Happy to say, that
people
 can change their attitudes and become better,
this
 requires some efforts like improving their body acts and having nutritious meals.
Submitted by afiorentino404346 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear logical structure. Try to organize your thoughts and arguments in a more coherent manner. Present your points clearly, provide appropriate backing, and follow a logical order.
coherence cohesion
While you have an introduction and conclusion, they are not succinct and clear in presenting and summarizing your arguments. The introduction should provide a clear overview of what the essay will discuss, while the conclusion should wrap up your points neatly.
task achievement
Your points seem to lack sufficient evidence or examples to back them up. You make broad statements without explaining them further or providing enough detail.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more fully. Even though the main points of your argument are clear, details, relevant examples, and a coherent structure will make your ideas more comprehensive and persuasive.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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