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Band 6.5

Many families move to different countries. Some people think children can benefits from this, while other consider it is hard for children if families move to a foreign country. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#families #move #countries #people #children #country
These days, many families migrate to different
countries
, and some people believe that
migration
 to different
countries
 is not suitable for
children
. I personally believe that
although
migration
 to foreign
countries
 affects the health of
children
due to
 new
weather
 conditions,
children
 ultimately benefit from
migration
 because they find a better
environment
 to grow.
Children
 who
move
 to a foreign
country
 deal with new
weather
 conditions. The
weather
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a foreign
country
 is completely different from their native
countries
. Many families migrate from a hot and humid
country
 to a cold
country
. At a young age,
children
 cannot tolerate extremely cold
weather
, and suffer from various diseases.
For example
, many families
move
 to Canada every year from Bangladesh, and
children
 mainly suffer from fever and cold symptoms after
migration
.
However
, I believe that
children
 are naturally adaptive to new environments, and they get used to it after two or three years.
However
, moving to a foreign
country
 is beneficial for
children
 because they get a better learning
environment
. The education system of a foreign
country
 is better than the native
countries
 of the
children
. They have an advanced school curriculum and highly qualified teachers.
Children
 learn and thrive in
this
 better
environment
, and become prepared for the
future
.
For example
,
children
 who
move
 to a foreign
country
 get better jobs in their
future
 professional careers than those who do not
move
.
Therefore
, I believe that moving to a foreign
country
 is beneficial because it helps
children
 to shine in the
future
. In conclusion, moving to a foreign
country
 is challenging because
children
 suffer from numerous diseases
due to
 new
weather
 conditions.
However
, moving to a foreign
country
 is beneficial for
children
 ultimately because they get a better learning
environment
 to learn, and become better professionals in the
future
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Try to elaborate slightly more on each viewpoint discussed to ensure a balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
While your logical structure is strong, enhancing paragraph transitions will lead to even smoother cohesion.
task achievement
You provided clear examples, especially in explaining how children adapt to new environments and the benefits they receive.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which encapsulates the main points well.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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