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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

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The entertainment industry is
one
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 of the largest sectors in all around the world. Some think that the community who work in that industry earn too much money considering their bad influence on society, and I agree.
Others
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,
however
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, believe that their positive impact on
others
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 is worth the money that they are paid. On the
one
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 hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly well-paid sector.
In addition
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 to that, members of it do not add real value, compared to
others
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 like,
for instance
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, education workers.
Although
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 in some countries teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility is extremely valuable for the next generations to become a better population.
Whereas
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 a singer can earn double their yearly salary from
one
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 concert. The other important point is, that for a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless of their contribution, no
one
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 should make billions of dollars that easily, because that imbalance does have a significant negative impact on societies.
On the other hand
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, some crowd think that entertainers’ contribution to modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many public, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities;
therefore
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, they think that their positive shock is crucial for a significant proportion of the population.
In addition
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 to that, celebrities do compromise their privacy and freedom to be known by many
others
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. In exchange for that, they deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks. In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the community and sacrifice from their private life; I believe that their impact is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or balanced with
others
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.

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Specific Examples
While you've presented a comprehensive discussion, using more specific examples would further strengthen your arguments.
Cohesive Devices
Consider using a wider range of cohesive devices to improve flow and clarity between ideas.
Task Achievement
You've effectively discussed both views as well as your own, showing a good understanding of the task requirement.
Logical Structure
Your essay demonstrates a logical structure, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion that summarises your opinion.
Comprehensive Ideas
You present clear comprehensive ideas throughout your essay, balancing both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion.
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