IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that the main influence on young people's diet is advertising rather than family and friends. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #influence #diet #friends
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With the emerging impact of
advertisements
Use synonyms
, young
people
Use synonyms
's
diet
Use synonyms
habit
Use synonyms
 is a concerning issue as the number of overweight children is on the rise. Some
people
Use synonyms
 are convinced that adverts targeting young residents to shape their preferences for
food
Use synonyms
 have a higher
influence
Use synonyms
 than family and
friends
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, I disagree with
this
Linking Words
 notion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, we are living in a world where adverts are all around us and their
influence
Use synonyms
 on the young generation is more severe than adults.
Advertisements
Use synonyms
, especially those targeting teenagers who are related to
food
Use synonyms
 and beverage, spend a huge amount of money to allure them to a better living standard which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
, in most cases, lies.
Consequently
Linking Words
, young
people
Use synonyms
 are trapped and prefer fast
food
Use synonyms
 to homemade menus.
For instance
Linking Words
, a recent survey conducted on college students in my city revealed that they prefer pizza, subway sandwiches and burgers to the foods their mums prepare at home.
Further
Linking Words
 studies explained that those students have little consciousness of a balanced
diet
Use synonyms
 and are exposed to TV and online
advertisements
Use synonyms
. Having said that, family and
friends
Use synonyms
 have a greater
influence
Use synonyms
 on a teenager's eating habits. A family has a greater role in shaping a child's
food
Use synonyms
 intake
habit
Use synonyms
 and scientific studies prove that our
diet
Use synonyms
habit
Use synonyms
 is deeply rooted in the type of
food
Use synonyms
 we eat in our childhood.
Thus
Linking Words
, if a teenager has a bad eating
habit
Use synonyms
, the family is to blame for that. On top of that, when a child starts making
friends
Use synonyms
, he is significantly influenced by his
friends
Use synonyms
' eating and drinking habits. To illustrate, based on recent research published in the magazine 'Healthy Living', more than 70% school school-going teenagers try to mimic the
diet
Use synonyms
 habits of their
friends
Use synonyms
 whom they spend time with. These statistics clearly reveal that our family members and
friends
Use synonyms
 have more
influence
Use synonyms
 on our choices of foods and drinks than the
advertisements
Use synonyms
 we are exposed to.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the foodstuff routine is a significant part of our life as it defines who we become and how healthy, both physically and psychologically, we will be in the future. Commercials, to a certain extent, have an impact on young
people
Use synonyms
's
diet
Use synonyms
, but family and
friends
Use synonyms
 have an even greater role.
Submitted by muhammadluthfidzulfikar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Task Achievement: You should ensure that you address all parts of the task. While you have given an opinion, you have not thoroughly justified why you believe family and friends have a greater influence on young people's diet. Develop your ideas more rigorously and consider addressing potential counterarguments to strengthen your position.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The essay requires better signposting and linking words to guide the reader through your argument. Utilize a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to enhance the logical flow of ideas. Pay attention to the structure of your writing to ensure each paragraph clearly conveys a single idea or theme, supported by examples or explanations.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dietary choices
  • advertising
  • commercial interests
  • cultural traditions
  • peer influence
  • nutrition awareness
  • targeted marketing
  • endorsement
  • eating habits
  • unhealthy foods
  • social media channels
  • peer pressure
  • influencers
  • persuasive advertisements
  • nutritional knowledge
What to do next:
Look at other essays: