IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better for them to be outside playing sports and taking part in more traditional pastimes than spending all day indoors. Do you agree or disagree?

#children #computers #entertainment #sports #part #pastimes #indoors
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
this
 contemporary world, the young public is more reliant on advanced gadgets and they show less interest in taking part in older methods of entertainment. These can make a child to be mentally and physically unfit.
This
 essay will discuss the problems that can be caused to
children
due to
 its usage and the solutions to tackle
this
 issue to an extent. To embark on, there are several demerits of spending time on electronic devices by students. It can affect their physical health. To be more precise,
children
 who spend several hours on smartphones are physically less active,
thus
 they are more prone to affect with lifestyle diseases
such
 as obesity and in the future they may be affected with diabetes and hypertension.
In addition
, youngsters will be stressed if they play any competitive games on their gadgets and that leads them to be frustrated and have a negative insight into society.
For example
, many students suicide
due to
 the effect of the online game PUBG as reported by the UN.
Hence
, controlling
this
 situation is essential to protect
children
 from being unhealthy. Schools need to encourage scholars to be involved in physical activities
such
 as cricket and football for adolescents and hide and seek games for pre-adolescents and toddlers, which will improve not only their health but
also
 they will able to understand how to be a part of a team.
Along with
 that parents should observe their child at home and make sure that their
children
 are using those devices only for a limited period. To illustrate
this
, placing a computer in the hall will allow parents to check their child's activities. To recapitulate, both teachers and parents should take more responsibility to encourage the young public to be involved in traditional methods of activities, which will make them
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
less stressed and
improves
Correct subject-verb agreement
improve
show examples
 their health.
Submitted by ansamerrin987 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Provide more examples and evidence to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your position and provides an overview of your main points.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas more thoroughly.
task achievement
Include counterarguments to strengthen your argument.
grammatical range accuracy
Vary your sentence structures and use more complex sentences.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to subject-verb agreement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • dependent
  • computers
  • electronic entertainment
  • outside
  • sports
  • traditional pastimes
  • excessive
  • negative impacts
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • promote
  • overall well-being
  • play outdoors
  • read books
  • socialize
  • develop
  • balance
  • holistic development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: