IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Levels of depression and antisocial behavior in children have increased dramatically in modern societies. This situation has led many people to believe that childhood itself is in crisis. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#levels #depression #behavior #children #societies #situation #people #childhood #crisis
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There is no denying that
children
Use synonyms
 are increasingly facing issues
such
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 as depression and antisocial
behavior
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behaviour
show examples
.
While
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 many believe that childhood is in crisis, I strongly agree with
this
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 view
due to
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 the negative impact of social media and the growing number of parents who are unable to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their responsibilities.
To begin
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 with, social media platforms have become more popular among young people. As
children
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 spend more time online, they can be significantly influenced by the content they encounter.
For example
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, platforms like TikTok often expose kids to harmful
behaviors
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behaviours
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 and dangerous challenges.
This
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 kind of exposure can lead to serious consequences, including some
children
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 contemplating suicide.
This
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 alarming trend highlights the necessity for better regulation and education regarding safe online practices, ensuring that
children
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 learn to navigate the digital world responsibly.
Moreover
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, parents today are generally busier with their jobs, which makes them less available to their
children
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. In many cases,
instead
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 of spending quality time together, parents compensate by providing gadgets or money.
While
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this
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 may seem like a good solution, it often results in
children
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 feeling isolated and adopting negative
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
, leading to loneliness and frustration.
This
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 disconnect can
further
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 compound the issues they face as they seek validation from peers online rather than from their families. In conclusion, despite varying opinions, I believe that childhood is increasingly threatened by the harmful effects of social media and the pressures on parents’ time. It is essential that we address these issues to ensure a healthier environment for
children
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 and support their
overall
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 well-being in
this
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 challenging world, allowing them to thrive emotionally and socially.
Submitted by YT on

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task achievement
Consider adding more diverse examples beyond social media to strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea for clearer cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, well-developed body paragraphs, and a strong conclusion that summarizes the main points.
task achievement
The arguments are well-supported with specific examples regarding social media's impact and parental involvement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a strong opening to the topic, clearly stating the writer's position.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • societal pressures
  • academic demands
  • technological influences
  • parental neglect
  • family structures
  • mental health issues
  • economic inequality
  • community support
  • well-being
  • heightened awareness
  • improved diagnosis
  • advancements in mental health treatment
  • social support systems
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