IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Smart devices have put all of the world’s information at our fingertips. What are the drawbacks of this development?

#devices #world’s #information #fingertips #development
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Nowadays, gadgets
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 been developed as much and there
are
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is
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every
Correct quantifier usage
a lot of
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 information in one. Just by touching
at
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apply
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our fingertips, the data about the things we want to know will appear on screen, but they are commented
by
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on by
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 many
people
Use synonyms
 about their disadvantages. I will give my feedback in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with technologies at present, we always
use
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 smartphones
everyday
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every day
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. We
spent
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spend
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 time
for
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apply
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using our smartphone
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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affect
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affects
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for
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apply
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our health.
For instance
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, if our
body
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bodies
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 do not move, our
muscle
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muscles
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 will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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hurt and our
bone
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bones
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 will
be
Verb problem
break
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 broke
easier
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easily
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.
Moreover
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, using
eye
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an eye
the eye
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 to watch blue light for
long
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a long
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 time
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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affect
Change the verb form
affects
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you
Change the pronoun
your
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 need to
paid
Wrong verb form
pay
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 to buy some glasses for seeing.
Otherwise
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,
relationship
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relationships
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 in real life
are
Change the verb form
is
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 worse because we always spend our time
with
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on
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Add an article
the phone
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phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 and forget to take care
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people
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of people
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 around
ourselves
Correct pronoun usage
us
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.
Additionally
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, when some bad
people
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 want to hack your data, they can make
fake
Correct article usage
a fake
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 touch id
then
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 they can hack all of your personal information. It is hard to believe but some
case
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cases
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 can not cope with
this
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 problem and they are in emergency situations. Some
people
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afraid
Add a missing verb
are afraid
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it
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of it
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.
Therefore
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, they should
use
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 it carefully and should not often
use
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 it in public. In conclusion, technologies have logged in by finger taps and there are many
information
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of information
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in
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on
show examples
 devices. I can see a lot of disadvantages of them. So we can discuss that we can
use
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 it but we should be careful
while
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 using it. I want to recommend you to cope timetable for using them not much in one day.
Submitted by pramai177 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Include more supporting details and evidence to strengthen your arguments.
grammatical range accuracy
Use more complex sentence structures to showcase your range of grammar.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the overall organization and flow of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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