IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

DIETING CAN PLAY MAJOR ROLE FOR KEEP HEALTHY LIFE .DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE.

#role #life
Nowadays, many
people
 believe that going on a
diet
 plays an important role in having a healthier
life
. I strongly agree with the statement and I will explain my reasons in the following paragraphs.  On the one hand, dieting not only reduces weight
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 decreases physical problems
such
 as obesity and diabetes. When
people
 go on a
diet
, they eat less
food
 which prevents them from gaining weight.
Moreover
, they eat healthier
food
 and they don't consume junk
food
 like pizza, hamburgers and so on. So, when they eat less fast
food
, it leads to having a healthier
life
.
For instance
, my aunt gained a lot of weight when she was a child and her doctor recommended she go on a vegetable
diet
. She was 150 kilograms at the age of 20 but she reduced it to 80 kilograms over a year by dieting. Afterwards, her
life
 became so much healthier than
what
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
it used to be. 
On the other hand
, studies show that when
people
 are fat, they are less happy in their lives. Psychologically speaking, being overweight leads to some mental issues
such
 as depression or anxiety. Researchers
also
 found that the more you are fat, the more you have a desire to suicide.
As a result
, going on a
diet
 will help
people
 to be more satisfied in their
life
 and in most cases, it prevents mental diseases.  In conclusion, dieting plays a major role in keeping
life
 healthy and not only will have a healthier physical
life
, but you
also
 have better mental health.
Submitted by parvane_ava on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay with clear topic sentences and supporting details in each paragraph.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to improve your lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve accuracy.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: