IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

It is often said that it is not necessary to have a tertiary education to become a successful businessman. To what extent to you agree or disaree with this statement?

#education #businessman #disaree
I believe that high
education
 promotes a businessman’s success. Most of a vast company’s CEOs graduated from a famous university.
This
 essay agrees that high
education
 is necessary for career success.
To begin
 with, there is a trend of a university degree opening the gate for a superb career. College graduates can earn more than high school graduates. because the degree enables them to have specific knowledge of the field they have chosen .
Additionally
, universities occasionally connect
students
 and companies.
As a result
,
students
 could easily find jobs.
For instance
,
students
 can research much about the company through internship programs where mentors in the company can guide them in working there successfully. Through
this
 experience, they can absorb information about working on the front lines so that once they graduate, the company may immediately recognize them and even invite them to work for them. Equally important, everyone who wants to learn should have fair access to affordable higher
education
 irrespective of
students
' economic environment, age and nationality. To cite Japan as an example, the tuition has vastly differed between public and private schools. Unfortunately, the scholarship system has not been built into many educational systems.
Furthermore
, the cultural perception that women are better suited for household responsibilities in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rural
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 is an obstacle to promoting their high school and tertiary literacy.
To conclude
, the people who are educated at the university find it easier to get a job in a good condition. The big issue for Japan is to build a system of affordable and satisfactory access to higher
education
 to give everyone the same opportunities.
Submitted by liuyisenben on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words or phrases to improve the flow of your ideas.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your writing.
grammatical range accuracy
Review your grammar usage and sentence structures for more accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: