IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customer travel to large shopping centres or Malls to do their shopping. Is this positive or a negative development?

#years #shops #customer #travel #centres #malls #development
It is a fact that
instead
 of going to small shops, people are more inclined towards shopping malls.
This
 essay will discuss by enlightening on some factors and illustrating their benefits and drawbacks.
To Begin
 with its benefits, there are numerous reasons why people want to go to the commercial centre rather than a tiny shop.
Firstly
, consumers can get any essential household items, quality in clothing
as well as
 necessary electronic items under one roof.
Secondly
, twice a year, they offer huge
concession
Fix the agreement mistake
concessions
show examples
 on products during summer and in the winter.
Last
 but not least, plazas save your time and at the same time your energy as well.
Furthermore
, if consumers want to buy any vital item, they indeed prefer mini-mart
instead
 of the little store
however
, shops with huge
deduction
Fix the agreement mistake
deductions
show examples
for instance
, if buyers want to purchase a white formal shirt for office purposes, vendors will have a plethora options of for it.
In addition
, they get 20% discounts if they purchase more items,
whereas
 small shops have limited options with no decrease
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 products. coupons and
exemption
Fix the agreement mistake
exemptions
show examples
 are always attracting the crowd. If consumers are getting everything under one roof why do they prefer to go shop to shop in summer, especially when the outside temperature is 40 degrees Celsius
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
To conclude
, there are numerous benefits of shopping from big shopping centres rather than the local market,
however
, it provides variety with premium quality in clothing, huge rebate and save your money as well time
therefore
, mini-marts are more in trend which is a positive change.
Submitted by monica.duhan2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Introduction and Conclusion
Your introduction lacks a clear thesis statement and does not effectively introduce the main points of your essay. Make sure to clearly outline your position and the main points you will be discussing in the essay.
Logical structure and Coherence
Your essay has some logical structure and flow, but there are areas where the connection between ideas is not clear. Try to use transition words and phrases to link your ideas more clearly and ensure the logical flow of your argument.
Task Achievement
You need to ensure that your essay fully addresses the question prompt and provides a comprehensive discussion of the topic. Furthermore, use relevant and specific examples to support your points and strengthen your argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: