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Band 5.5

As the result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having negative effect on their health

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health
These days more and more people using contemporary technologies. By reason of technological inventions
such
 as the computer and television, the lack of physical activities and it have been impacting an individual's health. I partially agree with
this
 statement using electronic devices can be harmful,
however
, it has some advantages
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also
.
Initially
, the utilisation of cutting-edge technologies has benefits. One major advantage of that it could give opportunities to the young generation.
For instance
, especially for techies people.
This
 is because they are glued to the screens. Their work is full of these technological things. It may help them to develop different skills. Apart from that it can be beneficial for some citizens in order to have fun.
For example
, watching TV with friends or relatives is very enjoyable and unforgettable. What I mean to say is there might be a heated debate between friends or with cousins.
However
, there is a myriad of drawbacks. First and foremost, nowadays teenagers are addicted to gadgets.
This
 means it might lead to a lack of sleep or other health problems. In spite of the fact that
,
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 they are used to smartphones and laptops. So that they have problems with their eyes or they may suffer from insomnia.
As a result
, they are not able to get into full gear.
Also
, it can have an influence on their friendships or maybe relationships. Because they will ignore the people who live or stay around them. It will cause many issues.
To sum up
,
while
 technology has had both desirable and negative effects, I believe that it has the potential to bring about overwhelmingly negative effects.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the position and provides an overview of the main points to be discussed.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the ideas presented.
coherence cohesion
Use transitions to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure the conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the position.
grammatical range accuracy
Check for sentence structure and grammar errors to improve clarity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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