As the result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having negative effect on their health

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effect #health

These days more and more people using contemporary technologies. By reason of technological inventions

such

as the computer and television, the lack of physical activities and it have been impacting an individual's health. I partially agree with

this

statement using electronic devices can be harmful,

however

, it has some advantages

Rephrase

apply

show examples

also

Initially

, the utilisation of cutting-edge technologies has benefits. One major advantage of that it could give opportunities to the young generation.

For instance

, especially for techies people.

This

is because they are glued to the screens. Their work is full of these technological things. It may help them to develop different skills. Apart from that it can be beneficial for some citizens in order to have fun.

For example

, watching TV with friends or relatives is very enjoyable and unforgettable. What I mean to say is there might be a heated debate between friends or with cousins.

However

, there is a myriad of drawbacks. First and foremost, nowadays teenagers are addicted to gadgets.

This

means it might lead to a lack of sleep or other health problems. In spite of the fact that

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

they are used to smartphones and laptops. So that they have problems with their eyes or they may suffer from insomnia.

As a result

, they are not able to get into full gear.

Also

, it can have an influence on their friendships or maybe relationships. Because they will ignore the people who live or stay around them. It will cause many issues.

To sum up

while

technology has had both desirable and negative effects, I believe that it has the potential to bring about overwhelmingly negative effects.

Submitted by omondavlat91 on Fri Oct 06 2023

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task achievement

Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the position and provides an overview of the main points to be discussed.

task achievement

Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the ideas presented.

coherence cohesion

Use transitions to improve the coherence and cohesion of the essay.

coherence cohesion

Make sure the conclusion summarizes the main points and restates the position.

grammatical range accuracy

Check for sentence structure and grammar errors to improve clarity.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

for example
for instance
to illustrate this
to give a clear example
such as
namely
to illustrate
take, for example

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10Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

271 words

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 4.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 4.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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As the result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having negative effect on their health

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

discuss advantages and disadvantages of on demand streaming services

Some people say that it is better to work for a large company than a small one. Do you agree or disagree?

Some university students want to learn about other subjects in addition to their main subjects. Others believe it is more important to give all their time and attention to studying for a qualification. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole?

The plans below show the layout of the ground floor of a museum in 1990 and in 2010