IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

all over the world, societies are facing a growing problem with obesity .what are the problems for the rise in obesity and how could it be tackled

#world #societies #obesity #rise
The society
Correct article usage
Society
show examples
 all over the world
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 dealing with increasing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
obesity. The main cause is fast
food
 which can be solved by governments
put
Wrong verb form
putting
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
warning
labels
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
food
. The principal cause of behavioural problems around the world is
unbalanced
Add an article
an unbalanced
the unbalanced
show examples
 diet which leads to overweight and unhealthy. It must be recognised that fast
food
 is convenient and cheap, so a lot of
people
 use
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 which has the consumption of processed foods high in sugar.
Consequently
, fast
food
 with sugary beverages and snacks laden with calories
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to overeating and obesity for
people
 who usually use them.
This
 is true in many European countries
such
 as America or Canada, where most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 who
overweight
Add a missing verb
are overweight
show examples
 are using fast
food
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
However
, a solution can be found in government action is
put
Wrong verb form
putting
show examples
 some warning
labels
 on
food
 which has high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of sugar.
Therefore
, when
people
 buy fast
food
, they can read
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 label and decide
to
Correct word choice
whether to
show examples
 buy or not, they still have more options.
As a result
,
people
 can calculate the calories and sugar in their
food
while
 shopping and easily manage
foods
Correct article usage
the foods
show examples
 to buy. Take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Chile as an example here, where the governments put black warning
labels
 in front of
food
,
people
 not only choose
food
 suitably,
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 market but
also
 have products to sell.
Therefore
, everywhere in the world are handling growing
obesete
Correct your spelling
obesity
obese
Nevertheless
,
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 some
labels
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
front of
food's
Change noun form
food
show examples
 items will improve the
obesete
Correct your spelling
obesity
obese
 for residents.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide a more detailed introduction that introduces the topic and provides some background information on obesity.
task achievement
Develop your ideas further and provide more explanation and supporting details for your main points.
coherence cohesion
Use transition words and phrases to help with the coherence and flow of your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors and revise the sentence structure for clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: