IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Both men and women care more about their appearance today than they did in the past. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#men #women #care #appearance
It is a common belief that nowadays both sexes are
attentive
Correct quantifier usage
more attentive
show examples
 to outward form than in the past. I completely agree with
this
 given statement and
this
 essay will discuss the reasons why and elaborate upon them with supporting points.
Firstly
, money is the most thing that
necessary
Add a missing verb
is necessary
show examples
 to our life.
For instance
, in the past, there were lots of wars because of poverty. At that same time, salaries
mostly
Add a missing verb
were mostly
show examples
 spent on food but not enough money to buy.
Moreover
, money was insufficient
diet
Change preposition
for diet
show examples
 needs so they didn't think
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their appearance not only economic conditions but
also
 all of their daytime almost entirely used on working. Because of being poor, they always
reliable
Replace the word
rely
show examples
 on themselves that they will obtain
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
 life with standard living.
Secondly
, in
this
 day and age moneymaking has grown up so that our life becomes easier for us to survive.
For example
, these days, people feel more comfortable for the reason that exporting products to
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 countries
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 income rise and in the
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
 it will make that become a developed country.
Furthermore
, people can easily put on
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
some clothes
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
 high payment without
think
Change the verb form
thinking
show examples
 just only owing to the fact that they love
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. Technology
enhance
Change the verb form
enhances
show examples
 and everyone
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to catch up on trend so they will be anxious when they do not have
good
Correct article usage
the good
show examples
 things as the person
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
same age. In conclusion, appearance is important but it depends on time and your wages and it
affect
Change the verb form
affects
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
yourself
Correct pronoun usage
you
show examples
 when you are suitable to be old-fashioned.
Submitted by [email protected] on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: