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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Despite a large number of gyms, a sedentary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest?

#gyms #lifestyle #popularity #world
It is undeniable that
people
 in
this
 modern era are having sedentary lifestyles even though there are a lot of gyms available. In my point of view,
this
issue
 will lead to a decreasing
fitness
 level and stress. The main problem caused by the
issue
 is the low
fitness
 level.
This
 is because
people
 lack significant physical movement in their daily life and it can affect their
overall
 health and performance.
For instance
, if they spend too much time
only
Rephrase
apply
show examples
lying
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bed for more than eight hours a day without doing any exercise, they will probably experience obesity and high blood pressure.
Therefore
, dealing with the
issue
 surrounding the level of
fitness
 is best solved by subsidizing sports
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
 or gyms to make sports cheaper. It means that the government should provide a large number of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities to the public so that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society can easily use
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 and even better they can access
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 freely.
This
 method will ensure that
people
 will
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
exercise regularly to improve their
fitness
. Another
issue
 to consider is that
people
 will get frustrated easily.
In other words
, since they less interact with others and only
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 time
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own, it will be difficult for them to share their problems and only keep
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 for themselves.
This
 phenomenon will disturb their mental health and even worse it leads to suicide.
Thus
, to tackle
this
 problem, the government should provide more entertainment facilities
such
 as theme
park
Fix the agreement mistake
parks
show examples
 and exhibitions or displays. By doing
this
,
people
 will have a chance or an option to explore more, interact and
built
Wrong verb form
build
show examples
 a
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 with others rather than only sleep or play
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
. All in all, I believe that having a sedentary lifestyle will ruin
people
’s health, physically and mentally.
Therefore
, the government should provide both sports and entertainment facilities for the public.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a clearer thesis statement that explicitly states the problems associated with a sedentary lifestyle.
task achievement
Expand on the reasons why a sedentary lifestyle leads to a decreasing fitness level and stress.
coherence cohesion
Support the idea of subsidizing sports centers or gyms with more specific details or evidence.
task achievement
Provide more explanation or examples for how a sedentary lifestyle can lead to frustration and mental health issues.
grammatical range accuracy
Avoid making generalizations without providing evidence, such as claiming that a sedentary lifestyle leads to suicide.
coherence cohesion
Provide a stronger and more specific conclusion that summarizes the main points and solutions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • physical inactivity
  • health problems
  • weight gain
  • obesity
  • energy levels
  • chronic illnesses
  • mental health
  • productivity
  • focus
  • social isolation
  • exercise
  • physical fitness
  • active lifestyle
  • health benefits
  • physical health
  • mental well-being
  • leisure activities
  • regular physical activity
  • physical exercise
  • cardiovascular health
  • strength training
  • flexibility
  • endurance
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