IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #risks #lives
Nowadays, many
people
 to achieve some goals that can be very important in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 must
do of
Verb problem
make
show examples
 choices and
this
 can create
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
problems. In
this
 essay, I will explain why it is crucial to take
risks
 to have success in their professional lives and personal
life
 and I will give my points of view. One of the first reasons to take
risks
 in their
life
 is to research a purpose,
for example
, I want to be an engineer or a lawyer but to obtain
this
, it needs to do some sacrifice.
However
, it is not easy to take
risks
 because they will find a lot difficult but
according to
me
Add a comma
me,
show examples
 the best solution is to try and never give up.
For instance
, if we think of
people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have had success as Elon Musk or Steve Jobs,
this
 should help us think that we are capable of doing everything.
On the other hand
, I believe that almost all
people
that are
Verb problem
who
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
 important in their professional
life
had do
Wrong verb form
have to make
show examples
 many sacrifices but
this
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
big
Change preposition
to big
show examples
 satisfaction.
Furthermore
,
this
 can lead
some
Change preposition
to some
show examples
 advantages as money or
permit
Correct subject-verb agreement
permits
show examples
 to know other important
people
 and in my opinion, it is beautiful to have all things. Unfortunately, not all
people
 want to improve
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
show examples
 lives because they think that are wasting time and energy but they don’t know the advantages
who
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can have.
To sum up
, I think
that is
 very important to take
risks
 because only in
this
 way can we achieve great things and I hope that one day our country can change the beliefs I swear to these.
Submitted by afiorentino404346 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more examples and specific details to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Organize your ideas in a more logical manner.
lexical resource
Expand your vocabulary and use a wider range of words and phrases.
grammatical range and accuracy
Improve your sentence structure and grammar accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
What to do next:
Look at other essays: