IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

#countries #weight #people #levels #health #fitness #measures
The phenomenon of obesity and low body immunity become a major concern in every society.
People
 pay less attention to their health, and most of the foods they consume increase cholesterol and in parallel, decrease the immunity of the body. The mentioned problem originates from two main factors.
First,
Expansion
Correct article usage
the Expansion
show examples
 of
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reduce
Change the verb form
reduces
show examples
 human
mobility
.
Second,
Increasement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 improper nutrition. So, in my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
show examples
 we have to deal with these things
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 two solutions Which are Increasement
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 human awareness
in addition
 to reducing remote job positions. The recent
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
show examples
 pandemic has locked down most of the cities and
as a
consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
show examples
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
forced
Add a missing verb
were forced
show examples
 to remote their jobs which was beneficial for them. So, they try to keep their jobs remote and it
cause
Change the verb form
causes
show examples
 many health problems for their employees.
According to
 statistics, 35% of
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
mobility
 is in their work environments and when it stops, it leaves irreparable effects. In parallel, we are facing another problem, and
that is
 the easy access of
people
 to unhealthy food.
People
 can order any kind of unhealthy nutrition very fast and cheap which is not the case with healthy food
such
 as seafood or vegetarian food.
According to
 the latest research, 68% of
people
 who became aware of the dangers of an unhealthy
diet
 switched to healthy diets. So, it seems constructive to have some educational programs for
people
 to learn how
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
diet
 can harm us. And from another aspect, governments can
also
 use coercion in line with collective interests.
For instance
, they can force companies to reduce remote job positions to recreate that 35% of
mobility
 for
people
. In my opinion, both mandatory and training-based approaches can be useful,
although
 I believe that training is more effective and humane. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I talked about the causes of harmful
diet
 and low
mobility
 in
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 and propose two essential approaches to deal with that. we ought to be aware of our nutrition and try to keep our body fit and in parallel governments have to prepare some educational facilities to
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
 aware
people
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the disadvantages of
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
diet
 and if necessary,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can enact laws so that
people
 have more
mobility
, like the idea of reducing remote work positions.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific and concrete examples to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear paragraphs with topic sentences for each one.
lexical resource
Use a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your essay.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
What to do next:
Look at other essays: