IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that in order to be successful in business one has to study at university, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 era of technology and fast growing world; everyone wants to be successful in their own perspective field.
Business
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 is a skill which can be developed through years of experience
as well as
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 multi-tasking skills which are to manage at the same time. One group of people argue that a
person
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 should be academically qualified from the
university
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 to become a popular businessman others contend that it’s totally deniable. Here I will throw light on both of these phases of success in
business
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.
To begin
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, there are lots of educational institutions like colleges, universities and polytechnics; which offer numerous courses even more with hands-on experiences to students to award them with
university
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 degrees. These degrees help them to get good quality jobs that are useful to them to get enough experience in their fields.
In addition
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,
university
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 education covers practical training, assignments and dissertations, which prepare students to be more trained in
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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 subjects.
For example
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; If a
person
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 gets an MBA degree from
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 top-ranking UK
university
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then
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 he can apply all these international
business
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 strategies in his
business
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 and achieve success in his
business
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.
Conversely
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, others think that a
university
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 degree is not enough to become a successful
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business
Correct your spelling
businessperson
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person
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. Some people who do not go to
university
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 but get years of experience by doing work from an early age, gain even more detailed knowledge practically through market surveys
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and taking risks. With proper time management and financial management; he can surely become a successful
person
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.
For instance
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, Bill Gates has never entered
Correct article usage
a
show examples
university
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 to study or never has a master's degree from any college. He has achieved success in the Microsoft field, which has set a very effective example for all of us. In conclusion, a blanket approach cannot be applied in
this
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 matter.
Although
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 the
person
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 is well qualified from top ranking institute; his smartness, time management, communication skills and most importantly farsightedness about
business
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; are necessary to become a successful
business
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person
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.

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task response
Ensure that the arguments are balanced. While you did discuss both views, the discussion seemed to lean more towards the view that a university degree is not necessary for business success. A more balanced discussion might have improved the score.
coherence
While your essay was logically structured, there were areas where the flow of ideas could have been smoother. For example, a more effective transition could have been used between the paragraph discussing the necessity of a university degree and the paragraph arguing against it. Also, linking phrases could have been used to make the writing more cohesive.
lexical resource
You have made good use of a variety of vocabulary. However, some phrases could have been expressed more idiomatically or more appropriately. For instance, rather than 'throw light on', consider 'explore' or 'discuss'. Avoid less academic expressions like 'totally deniable'. Instead, use 'totally refutable' or 'completely arguable'.
grammatical range
You used a wide range of grammatical structures appropriately. However, mistakes were present which sometimes hindered the meaning. Make sure you thoroughly proofread your work to eliminate errors. For instance, 'Although the person is well qualified from top ranking institute' should be 'Although the person is well qualified from a top-ranking institute'.
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