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Writing Samples
Band 6

Experts say older people were happier and healthier in the past because they did more exercise and spent more time with family and friends, whereas now many suffer loneliness and health problems. What are the causes of this and what are some solutions?

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Experts have claimed that older
people
Use synonyms
 were more delighted and healthier
due to
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 the more exercises they had been doing and the more time they had been spending with their family and friends in the past. Presently, many
people
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 suffer from loneliness and a variety of
health
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 problems. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons that cause loneliness and
health
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 problems and provide some solutions.
Firstly
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, loneliness is one of the most important issues faced by humans. In a recently published article by Shahid Beheshti University, the authors claimed that advanced technology has increased
people
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's addiction to digital goods which has caused
feeling
Wrong verb form
them to feel
show examples
 lonely.
For instance
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, in the past two decades,
people
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 have preferred using phones in order to communicate rather than face-to-face talks.
Secondly
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,
people
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 suffer from more
health
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 problems
due to
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 bad lifestyles nowadays.
For example
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, doing fewer workouts has led to a lack of physical abilities.
Additionally
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, worse diets have caused a wide range of
health
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 issues
such
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 as high levels of blood sugar, high blood pressure and accumulation of fats. In order to solve these matters, we should take the necessary steps. On the one hand,
people
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 should not overuse digital goods.
Also
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, they must do more exercises and ask for advice from experts about their nutrition and diet;
therefore
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, their mental
health
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 will be better.
On the other hand
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, governments can help
people
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 to optimise their spending time in daily life.
For instance
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, they can provide plans to incent
people
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 to communicate with their acquaintances and do more exercises. In summary,
people
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 suffer from feeling lonely and are in a bad situation of
health
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. I have discussed the reasons that have caused the matters.
According to
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researchs
Correct your spelling
research
researchers
,
people
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 should communicate less via digital goods and do more workouts with the contributional help of governments.

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coherence cohesion
The essay is mostly well-organized with clear and coherent arguments. However, try to develop each argument more by explicitly linking your main points and examples to the question. This could improve the logical structure of your essay and make your reasoning more convincing.
task achievement
Your essay has a good overall response to the task with an appropriate introduction and conclusion. Be sure to restate your arguments from a different perspective in the conclusion. Also, try to add a call to action or a suggestive solution that can further improve the quality of your conclusion and display your ability to think critically.
lexical resource
Your vocabulary is adequate and there are no glaring errors, but there's room for improvement. You have the opportunity to demonstrate a wider range of advanced vocabulary by using more formal and high-level language. This might include better combining words and phrases, using stronger adjectives, or employing more specific nouns.
grammatical range and accuracy
There are some slight errors in grammar and punctuation, but these do not seriously undermine the clarity of your writing. You used a range of complex structures, yet try to vary your sentence structure and use more complex grammar structures to express your ideas in a more detailed way. Proofreading your essay could help to identify and correct these mistakes.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Happiness
  • Health
  • Exercise
  • Spending time
  • Loneliness
  • Health problems
  • Causes
  • Solutions
  • Lifestyle
  • Priorities
  • Social interaction
  • Physical activity
  • Advancements in technology
  • Promote
  • Engaging
  • Opportunities
  • Awareness
  • Family
  • Community
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