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Band 4

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#pressure #people #subjects #education #cookery #school #syllabus #children #work
School is one of the first interactions and
live
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life
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experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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 in a society
that
Correct word choice
where
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a
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
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children
 can coexist.
Therefore
 they can
experience
 many types of
life
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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 and the subjects prove it, they can imagine doing things,
dream
Correct word choice
and dream
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 about
your
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their
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 futures.
Take
Wrong verb form
Taking
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 off
this
 imagination and expectation of living
from
Change preposition
for
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a
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
children
 is disgusting. A child could be an
experience
 of anything that
improve
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improves
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 your knowledge
included
Wrong verb form
including
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 physical education and cookery.
Childhood it's
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Childhood's
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 a time of
try
Wrong verb form
trying
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 which means
capable
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being capable
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 of right or wrong, understanding what
right
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is right
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 or wrong of course with
and
Correct your spelling
an
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 adult by your side to tread the path. Normal subjects
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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 maths, science and so on do not
shapes
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shape
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 your own character, knowledge
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
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 arts and physical can help people as
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
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 as the basic subjects.
This
 pressure
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 succeed academically so quickly with under
twenty
 years old it's because of the toxic "positive
life
" in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social media of course. We used to
saw
Correct your spelling
say
show examples
 just
beauty
Change preposition
apply
show examples
in
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apply
show examples
everywhere as
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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body
beauty
,
a face
Correct word choice
facial
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beauty
,
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
beauty
,
Correct word choice
and a
show examples
a
Correct word choice
and a
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rich
Change noun form
person's
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person
Change noun form
person's
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beauty
 that we don't stop to analyse that
this
 can be fake
Correct word choice
apply
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and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
actually
this
 social media movement occurs one or two times a year in the
life
 of
this
 person and
this
 movement
of course
Add the comma(s)
, of course,
show examples
 cause an anxiety and unhealthy expectations in the
life
 of
this
children
, because in
this
twenty one
Add a hyphen
twenty-one
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 century in two thousand
twenty three
Add a hyphen
twenty-three
show examples
children
 has contact with internet (that has positive and negative bullets). I think that parents in
this
twenty
Correct your spelling
twentieth
show examples
 century should have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
extremely
Change the word
extreme
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 observation into
children
 and
how
Rephrase
apply
show examples
their perceptions in
life
 to help them in
cause
Add an article
the cause
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 of dysfunction themes that they weren't supposed to argue
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 of their ages.
Submitted by massallys on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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