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Band 4

smacking is a good way to teach discipline. Do what extent do you agree or disagree?

#discipline
I was born in Ahmedabad city which is located in Gujarat. I did my 10th in 2007 in the first class from Bapunagar municipal school and after that, I chose
science
Correct article usage
the science
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 stream and completed
12th
Correct pronoun usage
my 12th
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 in 2009 with the second class during my high school education I studied many subjects
such
 as Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry from Sheth C L Hindi High School.
Moreover
, I enrolled in a diploma in computer engineering from 2009 to 2012 with a 6.56 CGPA from R. C. Technical Institute. I started my work journey in Neva
Data
 Solutions as a
Data
 Entry Operator during my job I learned a lot of new things and skills in
this
 field
then
 after 2
years
 and 9 months
experience
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of experience
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 with
this
 company I
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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left my job and one IT company Esmsys Pvt Ltd gave me a chance to work with them and I start my career as
Data
 entry operator in 2016.
Additionally
,
Change preposition
apply
show examples
after
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apply
show examples
1 year later my boss gave me another big post which was a Senior
Data
 entry operator in 2017 and I performed very well and increased my skills,
therefore
 they gave me a new responsibility as
team
Add an article
a team
the team
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 leader in 2020 and I have performed well in my role I have learned some new qualities like how to increase revenue, how to build
team
, how to do business with different clients and in 2021 I have
promted
Correct your spelling
promoted
prompted
 once again in become senior
team
 leader till Oct 2022 which means 3
years
 work
experice
Correct your spelling
experience
 as
team
 leader
then
 I have left my job for a better opportunity and join another company as a project manager from S K Consultancy as project manager. I have experience more than 10
years
 in my field and more
then
Replace the word
than
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 3
years
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of experice
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experice
Correct your spelling
experience
 in business management as
manager
Correct article usage
a manager
show examples
.
Submitted by er.lerulal on

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task achievement
The essay does not directly address the given prompt or express a clear opinion. Make sure to clearly state your position and provide arguments to support it.
coherence cohesion
The essay lacks coherence and cohesion. The logical structure of the essay is unclear and the main points are not adequately supported. Organize your ideas more effectively and provide better support for your arguments.
lexical resource
The essay demonstrates a limited range of vocabulary and lacks variety. Try to use a wider range of words and phrases to improve your lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
There are several grammatical errors throughout the essay. Pay attention to your grammar and sentence structure to improve your grammatical range and accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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