IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Why do you want to study? What do you want to study if you go to the university?

#study #university
On September 2, 2023, about 300,000 teachers in black clothes gathered in front of the National Assembly building in Yeouido, Korea. We mourn the death of Seo Yi-cho
teacher
 who committed suicide not long ago because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
malicious
complaint
Fix the agreement mistake
complaints
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and stress from students. And, called for changes to Korea's current public education system, which has forced dozens of teachers to choose suicide. The acquaintances of Seo Yi-cho, who committed suicide, came to the front and talked about her. "In
Correct your spelling
college
colleage
Add a comma
colleage,
show examples
 she was a shiny person. She was as bright as spring, versatile and active, with a passion for teaching." I cried a lot
while
listening
Add the preposition
listening to
show examples
 the story about her. Why couldn't our society protect her from death? In fact, I've
also
 had a hard time, like her, wanting to give up my job as a
teacher
 and die. I always wanted to be a kind
teacher
 who loves children. I achieved my dream of becoming an elementary
school
teacher
 through high competition rates, graduated from the
Teacher
's
colleage
Correct your spelling
college
colleague
, and passed the appointment examination. My first appointment was at Yeosu Jinnam Elementary
School
. Children here were living in
orphanage
Fix the agreement mistake
orphanages
show examples
 or receiving little attention from their parents
due to
 their poor family conditions. At the time of my first appointment,
school
 turned into a nightmare for me, who was filled with satisfaction after realizing my dream. There was a student in the classroom who was full of complaints about society, and I tried to love him.
However
, I was scared of the child who threatened me with a cutter when he was angry. At the time, I just prayed that the
year
 would go by quickly. I was in charge of the second grade
this
year
. I can't forget what one of my classmates told me. "Thank you,
teacher
, for always taking care of us with love. I will always be next to you when you are sad or happy. I love you a lot, too." The first
year
 I was depressed and tired, but
this
year
 I enjoy going to
school
 to meet my lovely classmates. Earlier
this
year
, I was impressed by Professor Josephine Kim's book called "Self-esteem in the Classroom." After reading the book, I realized that I influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children much, and I always tried to use positive language. I experienced that my self-esteem can change the classroom.
Submitted by soyuyu9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and well-structured introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: