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Writing Samples
Band 7

23.Some people think that the government should provide assistance to all kinds of artists including painters, musicians, poets. However, other people think that is a waste of money. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #government #assistance #kinds #artists #painters #musicians #poets #waste #money
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Every
government
 provides certain assistance to its citizens.
However
, when it comes to the group of
artists
, people hold differing opinions. Some believe that the
government
 should take up the responsibility to help
artists
,
while
 others consider it a waste of money. But considering human rights and
education
, I believe that the
government
 should assist
artists
.
Firstly
, the
government
 should offer assistance to all art creators because they are equal members of society. Specifically, even though the works of
artists
 may not yield immediate profits, they are no different from regular individuals except for their professions.
Therefore
, when they face difficulties, they have the right to receive
government
-provided aid and should not be discriminated against
due to
 their profession. Providing assistance to them is not a waste of money; it is merely supporting equal members of society.
Secondly
, the
government
 has a responsibility to support art creators because the artworks they produce can enhance
education
.
In other words
, compared to ordinary mechanical work, creating art requires
artists
 to observe the world around them and employ their imagination.
Therefore
, when children appreciate these works, it can stimulate their creativity and innovation
while
also
 fostering critical thinking.
As a result
,
artists
 can play a role in
education
 through their artworks.
Therefore
, from their status as citizens and their contributions to
education
,
artists
 should be protected and assisted by the
government
.
Hence
, I believe that the
government
 should extend a helping hand to
artists
 in need, and
this
 is not a waste of money.
Submitted by hxk7664 on

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task achievement
To enhance your essay, consider incorporating more specific examples to support your arguments. This could be statistics, examples of government-funded art programs that led to societal benefits, etc. Concrete examples strengthen your argument and make it more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
While your points are well-expressed, there is room to improve coherence by ensuring each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. This can involve using linking words and phrases to create a more seamless flow in your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This helps the reader follow your argument easily.
task achievement
You provide a clear response to the task question and present a balanced view before offering your own opinion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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