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Writing Samples
Band 8

Shopping has become a favourite pastime among young people. Why do you think it is like that? Do you think they must be encouraged to do other things rather than shopping?

#favourite #pastime #people
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Recently, a large group of our young generation has taken shopping as a hobby. In
this
 age of online consumerism, buying things is being constantly inspired through advertisements and the tendency to show off is being stimulated. I think we should discourage over-purchasing in our young folks to reduce the waste of money and improve their mental health. Teenagers can buy stuff from their smartphone with a couple of clicks nowadays. Millions of online shops available on the internet are constantly bombarding them with personalized advertisements to buy their products. The fact that people need to put little to no effort into buying anything online is motivating the higher purchase tendency.
For example
, a recent study shows that people who purchase from online spend twice as much as their counterparts who purchase from the physical stores.
Moreover
, young folks can take a selfie of things they bought and post it on social
media
 to get the attention of others. When other people talk about those items, the kids feel good and get instant gratification. They think that shopping and posting are helping them to stand out among their friends.
For instance
, it has already been proven that social
media
 interactions release dopamine which makes those activities addictive.
However
, we should guide the next generation that
this
 is not the right way to deal with purchasing capability. Rather than wasting money on excessive buying, they can invest that for future benefits.
Also
, they need to be enlightened that the instant gratification they get from social
media
 is harmful to their mental health in the long run as
this
 is not sustainable. To summarize, the natural tendency of showing off at juvenile age is being exploited to boost their buying behaviour through modern marketing technologies in social
media
. But we need to raise awareness among those innocent minds so that they can save themselves from
such
 an alluring scenario and ensure their financial and psychological safety.
Submitted by u.urs.888 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider providing a stronger thesis statement in the introduction to clearly state your position on the topic.
task achievement
Expand on your arguments and provide more supporting examples to further develop your ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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