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Band 4

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than by following a healthy lifestyle.

#people #health #doctors #medicine #lifestyle
In
this
 modern era, there are a lot of
people
 who do not pay attention to a healthy
lifestyle
. They really
depends
Change the verb form
depend
show examples
 on
doctor
 and
medicine
 to keep healthy. I totally agree with
statement
Correct determiner usage
this statement
show examples
 and
this
 essay will elaborate more about the reasons. The main reason why I agree with that notion is because nowadays
people
focuses
Change the verb form
focus
show examples
 more on their
work
 since they have their personal
doctor
 or family
doctor
.
In other words
, since they believe that they have a
doctor
 and
medicine
 which can help them to maintain their health, it makes them only focus
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
work
. Taking
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities
for example
, most of them do not have a healthy
lifestyle
 since they tend to
work
 from day to night
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
Therefore
, if they are feeling not in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good condition they probably only need to seek their personal
doctor
 to discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
their health and can easily get the
medicine
 to
recovery
Replace the word
recover
show examples
. The other point that should be taken into account is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
people
 tend to ignore the rule of a healthy
lifestyle
 and life in a sedentary way.
This
 is because they are too lazy to simply
workout
Correct your spelling
work out
show examples
 and tend to consume junk food.
As a result
, when they are under the weather, they only go
the
Change preposition
to the
show examples
doctor
 or just take the
medicine
 without any consultation. All In all, I believe that
people
 in
this
 modern era highly rely on doctors and medicines because they are too
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
work
 and
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have their personal
doctor
Fix the agreement mistake
doctors
show examples
.
Moreover
, they
also
 live in a sedentary
lifestyle
.
Therefore
, they should start to follow the
rule
Fix the agreement mistake
rules
show examples
 of a healthy
lifestyle
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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