IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

34.Many museums charge for admission while other are free. Do you think that advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages?

#museums #charge #admission #people
It is said that in some
museums
,
people
 need to pay for the ticket
while
 others are free.
This
 essay would argue that despite it will limit access, it is far more advantageous to ask for
money
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entry to
museums
 because it will improve individuals’ experience. Charging
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 in
museums
 will restrict
entrace
Correct your spelling
entry
 to culture and knowledge for
people
 from low- income.
This
 is because
museums
 are a valuable educational resource that
allow
Change the verb form
allows
show examples
people
 to learn about
history
Add an article
the history
show examples
 of their ancestors, but if individuals are asked to pay, some do not have the financial ability to use the
money
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 these activities, and others are not willing to pay because they think that they should use the
money
 in other more important things,
such
 as for their house, food and family.
For example
, Spain
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 many charged
museums
 and others that are free, recent research concluded that no charged
museums
 have around 65% more visitors.
However
, I believe that the prices of tickets are not expensive and there are many
reduced price
Add a hyphen
reduced-price
show examples
 tickets and promotions, so
this
 is not a significant drawback. The great advantage of paying for the entrance is that
museums
 will have more funds to provide additional resources and facilities to
people
 who visit the
museum
. Since the
money
 that they gain can be used to add new products,
Correct word choice
and improving
show examples
improving
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 services and educational programmes.
As a
consequence
Add a comma
consequence,
show examples
 visitors receive a higher quality experience, so they enjoy more and are more interested in learning new things.
For instance
, the
museum
 Nacional Art Center Reina Sofia charges a fee of around 15€ per person, but there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 always a lot of
people
 waiting,
this
 is because the
museum
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 experts that will explain
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 detail all products and every week or month they bring new products so visitors can appreciate.
Therefore
, I would argue that
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 of paying for the
entrace
Correct your spelling
entrance
 in
museums
 are more significant than the drawbacks. In conclusion,
although
 some
people
 cannot afford the ticket price,
museum
Add an article
the museum
show examples
 will upgrade all their elements so individuals can have a better experience, for these reasons, the positives far outnumber the negatives.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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task achievement
Provide a clear thesis statement in the introduction. State your position directly.
coherence cohesion
Use more transition words and phrases to improve coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Expand on the drawbacks of charging people for admission to museums.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Rephrase or remove repetitive phrases, such as 'museums' and 'entrance'.
grammatical range accuracy
Proofread your essay for grammatical errors.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Admission fee
  • Revenue stream
  • Maintenance
  • Overcrowding
  • Commercialization
  • Cultural heritage
  • Diverse attendance
  • Community ownership
  • Access to culture
  • Visitor experience
  • Exhibit quality
  • Cultural mission
  • Reliance on funding
  • Government subsidies
  • Cultural accessibility
What to do next:
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