Many countries have compaulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possible for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In recent years, numerous nations have made the army obligatory for young males upon finishing high school. Whilst some people argue that
this
Linking Words
is unfair to those who do not wish to serve, I believe all countries must implement conscription, especially for men, and I will explain my reasons.
To begin
Linking Words
with, the army develops innumerable qualities in individuals by teaching them hard work and how to defend themselves. If a young man learns fighting techniques and survival skills in the worst conditions, he will be capable of not only saving himself but
also
Linking Words
protecting his family and country.
For example
Linking Words
, in South Korea, there is compulsory military
service
Use synonyms
for two years for men when they turn 18.
As a result
Linking Words
, South Koreans have developed a strong sense of duty toward their nation and families.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the army has a way of helping young individuals mature quickly. After experiencing the demanding environment of the armed forces, they grow more quickly;
thus
Linking Words
, they are more willing to take available jobs after their military
service
Use synonyms
rather than insisting on specific roles.
For instance
Linking Words
, in China, a survey measuring employment in the first year after graduation, whether after higher education or after military
service
Use synonyms
, reported that 87% of former soldiers secured a position,
while
Linking Words
only 34% of graduates became employed. Because many non-recruits are more selective, they often cannot accept any job, which leaves many of them unemployed and delays their maturity.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
military
service
Use synonyms
can be long and tiring, I am convinced that it is a wise policy. Conscription can cultivate protective and strong generations, both mentally and physically.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

content
You state a clear view, but you do not discuss any opposite view or any limit to conscription. Add a short note on counter-arguments and why your view still holds.
coherence
Link ideas more smoothy. Use words like 'first', 'also', 'but', 'therefore' to show how points connect.
structure
Give one clear main idea in each paragraph, and keep longer ideas to a single paragraph to avoid crowding.
examples
Provide more credible evidence or explain real effects of conscription; avoid making strong claims without proof.
content
Clear position and good overall structure (intro, body, conclusion).
examples
Reasonable use of examples to back up points.
coherence
Use of linking words helps reader follow your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • agree
  • disagree
  • country
  • people
  • service
  • after
  • school
  • men
  • women
  • army
  • work
  • study
  • short
  • long
  • job
  • cost
  • money
  • time
  • freedom
  • right
  • choice
  • fair
  • not
  • duty
  • team
  • learn
  • help
  • life
  • plan
  • law
  • opt out
  • option
  • health
  • believe
  • local
  • community
What to do next:
Look at other essays: