IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
It is true that popular
people
 are more known for their glamorous lifestyle than what they actually have gained and
therefore
 they might be bad role models for the youth society.
However
, I partly agree with
this
 statement. On the one hand, there are a variety of reasons why it is thought that wealthy famous
people
 may badly affect young and ambitious ones. The lives of rich, famous
people
 are presented through social media and teenagers are exposed to the luxurious
life
 of their dreams without accurately understanding their background.
For example
, they might not figure out how much effort famous
people
 have made into meeting their current
life
 and
this
 appears as something easy to them.
Furthermore
, following rich
people
's
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 may lead to high unrealistic expectations for juveniles and by not reaching
such
 a place, they might feel disappointed.
On the other hand
, not all
people
 are famous without their achievements being considered and if so it would not necessarily have negative effects.
Firstly
, watching a person lead his or her
life
 by achieving their passion, teaches
ineexperienced
Correct your spelling
inexperienced
 ones that they can possibly make their dreams come true. A young boy
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance, may become interested in playing a guitar under the influence of his famous guitarist.
Secondly
, by setting wealthy famous
people
 as role models, young ones are becoming tempted to work hard with the ambition of a more luxurious
life
. In conclusion,
Although
 following
people
 who are only well-known for their charming
life
 might be a bad example for adolescents, I think it would bring profits for them as well.
Submitted by z.rajabi on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Expand on the reasons why famous people may be seen as bad role models in the first paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Offer a counterargument in the second paragraph to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Include specific examples to support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: