IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The increase in People’s life expectancy means that they have to work older to pay for their retirement. One alternative is that people start to work at a young age. Is this alternative a positive or a negative development?

#people’s #life #expectancy #work #retirement #alternative #people #age #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The rise in people’s life expectancy has caused youngsters to start their careers at
such
 a young age to avoid working longer in the future for their retirement fund. On one hand, starting a career sooner can be beneficial
due to
 the better performance youngsters have at performing tasks.
On the other hand
, uncontrollable emotions shown by young people can be dangerous at work. I personally agree with the latter statement because employing young people with
such
 mental instability can be risky. It is a fact that a human is more productive in their early stage as an adult, compared to several years after. Adolescents may have more energy and focus compared to the elderly. Many researchers have postulated that as humans grow older, their cognitive ability decreases gradually.
In addition
, the physical strength of an old person is likely to be weak and dull,
thus
 inhibiting their performance for jobs that require a lot of movement,
such
 as courier.
Nevertheless
, the mental and emotions of youngsters are very volatile and difficult to control. Emotional stability will develop as our age increases.
As a result
, older adults tend to be wiser at making decisions.
For instance
, teenagers tend to struggle with anger issues. They are often seen as arrogant when driving a vehicle, resulting in careless accidents. Surely, a company would not tolerate
such
 conduct in the professional world. As a conclusion, starting a career as early as possible can be positive
due to
 the higher productivity rate adolescents have.
However
, it may
also
 cause harm
due to
 the emotional volatility they have.
Submitted by muhammadraditya9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure all points are adequately supported with examples or evidence. While there is a good balance in discussing both sides of the argument, the examples section could be expanded to provide clearer support for each claim.
task achievement
Enhance the development of ideas in body paragraphs. While the essay introduces ideas effectively, providing more in-depth analysis will create a stronger argument.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs for better flow. Smooth transitions will help your reader follow the progression of ideas and ensure your argument is cohesive.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, offering a clear statement of position and summarizing the main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph addresses different aspects of the issue, which contributes to a logical structure throughout the essay.
task achievement
You present balanced arguments considering different perspectives, showcasing a well-rounded understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: