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Band 8

Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #governments #support #people #care
It is irrefutable that senior citizens are the most vulnerable members of our society and are often financially supported in enormous developed economies. In numerous nations around the world, elderly
people
 accrue funds for themselves that give them a sense of independence and curtail the financial burden on a province. In
this
 contemporary era,
people
 prefer to become financially independent by accumulating funds for their golden years. It gives them a sense of independence and self-respect. The
government
 of Canada encourages pupils for financial planning so that their citizens can lead a stress-free and luxurious old age.
Moreover
,
this
 approach is beneficial to curtail the financial budget of a country.
Instead
 of distributing money among senior citizens, the
government
 can invest these funds for development
such
 as infrastructure refurbishment.
This
 would captivate the influx of tourists,
hence
, a country's economy will boost. A multitude of dollars were invested by the
government
 of Indonesia to restore their historical buildings which attract thousands of visitors every year.
As a result
, their revenue increased precipitously. Financial support to older generations is their fundamental right and the onus of the legitimate agencies.
This
 is because retired
people
 have paid huge tariffs during their working years and contribute toward a country's development to a great extent.
Therefore
, it is the obligation of the financial ministry to pay them back for their hard-earned money. Even though elderly
people
 have paid a significant amount of taxes to the
government
, I firmly believe that becoming financially independent not only gives a sense of freedom and self-respect but
also
 reduces the financial burden on a nation.
Thus
, they should take care of their monetary needs by themselves and not rely on legal affirms.
Submitted by sdeepkaur9 on

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coherence
Enhance clarity in your transitions between paragraphs and ideas. Some areas could benefit from smoother linking phrases to maintain a more seamless flow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to strengthen your arguments, and consider addressing counterarguments more thoroughly.
introduction conclusion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame the discussion.
supported main points
The main points are well-supported with relevant examples, such as the reference to the Indonesian government investing in infrastructure.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • social responsibility
  • comfortable and secure
  • reduces poverty
  • safety net
  • limited resources
  • fairness and equality
  • personal responsibility
  • independence
  • financial planning
  • saving
  • burden on the government
  • control over retirement
  • economic growth
  • private investment
  • combination of approaches
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