IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Most societies believe that
parents
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 must educate kids on how to be good humans in today's environment.
While
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 others think that school is the best location to grasp
this
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. Based on my point of view,
parents
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 and schools are in charge of educating and guiding
children
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 in order to generate well-mannered and become beneficial to society. To start with,
parents
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 are obliged to teach
children
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 since they are born. When people find a well-behaved youngster, at a glance, they think there must be great
parents
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 who already educate them.
For instance
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, Maudy Ayunda is one of the Indonesian actresses who inspire all the 20's teenagers. Through her achievement and well-mannered attitude, the societies can notice if both her mother and father have taught her not just knowledge, but
also
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 how to act properly in the community.
On the other hand
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,
children
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 are required to gain and develop their knowledge, experience, and skills by attending schools. Teachers have a good understanding and have enormous experience in the education field which is not available at home.
For example
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,
children
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 can develop their critical thinking and analytics skills by having group discussions in the classroom. Through the podcast of the Ministry of Education, he said having a discussion in the team, can increase
children
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's critical skills.
Therefore
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, in the future, they can use it to create something big and provide benefits to society. In conclusion,
children
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 who become good members of society must be taught by their
parents
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 and teachers at school. Both
parents
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 and schools are the basic foundation for resulting in well-behaved youngsters.

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coherence cohesion
In the essay, you've generally presented clear main points and developed them with explanations or examples. However, some ideas could be linked more clearly to the question; and you should make sure to provide a specific example that clearly ties back to the claim you're making. Try to incorporate a variety of cohesive devices to clear signal the relationships between ideas.
task achievement
You've addressed the task and presented relevant ideas regarding the influence of both parents and schools on children's social education. However, to achieve a higher score, make sure that your own opinion is stated and explained as clearly as possible. Elaborate on your examples with more depth, and ensure the relevance of each example chosen is explicitly connected to your argument. An additional perspective or a counter argument could provide a more balanced discussion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • good members of society
  • teach
  • parents
  • schools
  • responsibility
  • values
  • respect
  • empathy
  • responsibility
  • formal education
  • citizenship
  • ethics
  • social responsibility
  • lead by example
  • role models
  • conducive environment
  • extracurricular activities
  • community involvement
  • collaborate
  • holistic approach
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