IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people say smoking should be banned and some say it is not a good idea. What is your opinion on this?

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In contemporary society, there is an increase in cancer rate death
due to
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 a rise in the number of smokers.
Thus
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, a number of people believe that the government ban smoking,
however
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; some argue
this
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 idea. In my view, I certainly agree with
this
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 statement.
This
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 essay will explore my view and emphasize the advantages of reducing smoking. There are several main reasons why cigarettes should be banned. On the one hand,
it is clear that
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 those who have a long time and usually smoke have a higher chance of dying than some who are not involved.
Moreover
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, many who are passive smokers
also
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 take bad impart
such
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 as cancer, heart illness, and other diseases. Another reason for
this
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 issue, advocates of
this
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 proposition believe that fumes from cigarettes not only lead to many diseases but
also
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 to the destruction of the environment.
For example
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, the more smokers, the more fumes are released into the atmosphere which allows global warming.
Furthermore
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, people who smoke at eighteen to twenty years old obtain disadvantaged effects than adults.
This
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 is because cigarettes bring about operations of a system in the body,
such
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 as perception, and directly cause brain development.
For instance
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, adolescents who smoke can concentrate on lessons less than individuals are ignore them.
As a result
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, smoking leads to danger in many ways. In conclusion, as
such
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, the government should launch a policy, which bans or increases costs and taxes, to protect public health and environment owners of the country.
Also
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, introduction or education on the harm of smoking to young people.

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coherence cohesion
It's crucial to develop a clear and logical structure in your essay. You should make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that the ideas within and between the paragraphs are linked effectively. To improve, consider using a wider range of cohesive devices and placement of information.
task achievement
For task achievement, ensure that you address all parts of the prompt fully. It is important to develop ideas fully and provide more detailed, relevant examples. Your response should address the reasons for banning smoking thoroughly, and explore contrasting opinions to demonstrate an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
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