IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Should young children be encouraged to follow strict rules based on their cultural traditions or allowed to behave freely? Discuss both views and give your opinion

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some would argue that youngsters should be encouraged to pursue tough
rules
Use synonyms
 based on their historical cultures and
traditions
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that they should be treated freely.
Although
Linking Words
 cultural
traditions
Use synonyms
 are important because they can affect our family relationships and are agreeable to the majority of the community, I believe that freedom in behaviour leads to increased independence and improves our
society
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, Many
people
Use synonyms
 try to breed their children based on their family or historical
traditions
Use synonyms
 to preserve their history for many years. Parents think that following other viewpoints leads to ruining their relationships because the strength of family relationships is based on historical
traditions
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they believe that if children want to succeed in
society
Use synonyms
, they should obey these kinds of
rules
Use synonyms
 because by following these
rules
Use synonyms
, young
people
Use synonyms
 are shown better or more normal in sight of
society
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, Iranian parents think children cannot select their religion by themselves and when they are born they are Muslim and if they change their religion,
society
Use synonyms
 and communication do not accept them.
However
Linking Words
, in point of my view forcing youngsters to follow cultural
traditions
Use synonyms
 is not a good idea and they should behave freely.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, freestyle in treatment is thought to make diversity in culture that leads to improving societies. If young
people
Use synonyms
 behave freely, they can reach self-recognition and select the suitable routes in order to succeed than the others who obey their historical
traditions
Use synonyms
 blindly.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they will be independent in the future because they learn to find their way by themselves and it can affect all aspects of their lives like job and personal life.
For example
Linking Words
, in the United States, young
people
Use synonyms
 have freedom and not only does it lead to increased diversity in viewpoints but
also
Linking Words
 leads to improvement in their
society
Use synonyms
 because
people
Use synonyms
 now learn to respect other opinions. In my opinion, treatment freely and without any forces brings success for both young
people
Use synonyms
 and
society
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 following these
rules
Use synonyms
 may enhance our family connections and sight of
society
Use synonyms
, freedom can improve personality and
society
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

style
To enhance clarity, consider varying your sentence structures more frequently and use a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely.
content
Try to incorporate direct examples or evidence to support your arguments, making them even more compelling.
depth
While your essay discusses both views effectively, deepening the analysis of each viewpoint could make your arguments even stronger.
accuracy
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, as refining these will improve the overall presentation of your essay.
introduction
You've done a great job introducing the topic and providing a clear statement of your opinion, which greatly enhances the structure of your essay.
organization
Your paragraphs are well-organized, each focusing on a single main idea that contributes to the coherence of the essay.
balance
You effectively discuss both sides of the argument, offering a balanced perspective before stating your own viewpoint, which is excellent for task response.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: