In recent years sports stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some this is a benefit raising the profile of sports, but for others it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In the past few years, famous athletes have become more popular and wealthy. Some people think
this
is a benefit in increasing the profile of sports
, whereas
others think it is a negative influence. This
essay agrees that raising sports
stars' popularity gives advantages to the sports
world.
The popularity of sports
celebrities can’t be denied. This
makes children have many exposures to those people, which leads them to be motivated to become the same in the future. For instance
, a boy looks up to Ronaldo, and then
he starts to practice football consistently in order to achieve his dream. As the same thing will happen to other kids, sports
just prepare the new generations. Moreover
, on the economic side, using top sports
stars will boost retail product advertisements such
as shirts or shoes. The rise in sports
product revenue will raise the sponsorship that they grant to the sports
fields. Obviously, this
thing will support its growth.
However
, since sports
idols always get highlights from the media, their private lives are also
captured. Some of them have an imperfect life, such
as an affair or addiction to drugs, which is not good to be followed by children. To control this
, parents should filter this
information out of kids’ sight. Otherwise
, the teens might follow that path of life without giving it much consideration.
In conclusion, the benefits outweigh the negative influence in the aspects of spreading the spirit to achieve the dream and sponsorship for sports
development, while
a detrimental effect is actually manageable.Submitted by erniwbs on
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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument which is carefully supported and developed. You managed to present both sides of the argument, however, the negative side could have been expanded more with solid examples, such as case studies of sports celebrities whose negative behavior impacted their followers.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have created a well-structured argument with each paragraph focusing on one main idea. The introduction and conclusion are well-formed. However, the essay could benefit from smoother transitions and heightened cohesion between ideas. For instance, using linking words like 'additionally', 'moreover', 'furthermore' could improve the flow and connection of your ideas.
Lexical Resource
Your lexical resource is considered adequate with a range of vocabulary used accurately. However, to get a higher score, try to incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary and less repetitive words.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical range and accuracy are noticeably proficient; however, you could aim for more varied and complex structures. This can help demonstrate your full range of grammatical capability. Specifically, try to incorporate more conditionals, subjunctives, and passive structures where appropriate.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?