In recent years sports stars have become increasingly famous and wealthy. For some this is a benefit raising the profile of sports, but for others it is a negative influence. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In the past few years, famous athletes have become more popular and wealthy. Some people think
this
is a benefit in increasing the profile of Linking Words
sports
, Use synonyms
whereas
others think it is a negative influence. Linking Words
This
essay agrees that raising Linking Words
sports
stars' popularity gives advantages to the Use synonyms
sports
world.
The popularity of Use synonyms
sports
celebrities can’t be denied. Use synonyms
This
makes children have many exposures to those people, which leads them to be motivated to become the same in the future. Linking Words
For instance
, a boy looks up to Ronaldo, and Linking Words
then
he starts to practice football consistently in order to achieve his dream. As the same thing will happen to other kids, Linking Words
sports
just prepare the new generations. Use synonyms
Moreover
, on the economic side, using top Linking Words
sports
stars will boost retail product advertisements Use synonyms
such
as shirts or shoes. The rise in Linking Words
sports
product revenue will raise the sponsorship that they grant to the Use synonyms
sports
fields. Obviously, Use synonyms
this
thing will support its growth.
Linking Words
However
, since Linking Words
sports
idols always get highlights from the media, their private lives are Use synonyms
also
captured. Some of them have an imperfect life, Linking Words
such
as an affair or addiction to drugs, which is not good to be followed by children. To control Linking Words
this
, parents should filter Linking Words
this
information out of kids’ sight. Linking Words
Otherwise
, the teens might follow that path of life without giving it much consideration.
In conclusion, the benefits outweigh the negative influence in the aspects of spreading the spirit to achieve the dream and sponsorship for Linking Words
sports
development, Use synonyms
while
a detrimental effect is actually manageable.Linking Words
Submitted by erniwbs on
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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument which is carefully supported and developed. You managed to present both sides of the argument, however, the negative side could have been expanded more with solid examples, such as case studies of sports celebrities whose negative behavior impacted their followers.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have created a well-structured argument with each paragraph focusing on one main idea. The introduction and conclusion are well-formed. However, the essay could benefit from smoother transitions and heightened cohesion between ideas. For instance, using linking words like 'additionally', 'moreover', 'furthermore' could improve the flow and connection of your ideas.
Lexical Resource
Your lexical resource is considered adequate with a range of vocabulary used accurately. However, to get a higher score, try to incorporate more sophisticated vocabulary and less repetitive words.
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
Your grammatical range and accuracy are noticeably proficient; however, you could aim for more varied and complex structures. This can help demonstrate your full range of grammatical capability. Specifically, try to incorporate more conditionals, subjunctives, and passive structures where appropriate.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?