Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Some say that a successful lifestyle depends on hard work and determination,
while
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others would argue that
money
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and physical aspects are more important.
This
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essay would argue that
although
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rich
people
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can do more activities,
individuals
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need to learn new things. On the one hand, appearance is important for some jobs and
money
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, can offer
people
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better studies.
This
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is because they can offer their children a better future since the kids will be in one of the best schools and be able to do extracurricular activities.
Also
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, workers
such
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as actors and idols, gain
money
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by their aspect and body shape, if they do not stand out in these areas, they are unable to get financial resources.
For example
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, in Korea being a celebrity is very difficult and competitive, if someone does not have a good physical aspect, will be rejected directly.
However
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, I believe that success in life can be obtained from other factors, not only
money
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and physical appearance.
On the other hand
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,
people
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can get a lot when working hard and with determination.
Individuals
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need to learn about several things so they can succeed in what they like to do, in
this
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way they are prepared for everything that might happen in the future and they can solve it with their knowledge. Working hard will help
individuals
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stand out from the
people
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who studied for the same degree, so when they need to look for a job, hard-working
people
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will have an advantage and will be the first ones to be selected. Recent research concluded that 90% of
people
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who had good grades have been able to enter their first choice university and company. I believe that
this
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point of view is preferable because hard-working
people
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will do their best to get what they want. In conclusion,
although
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some jobs only
people
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with good physical looks can do and
money
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can give
individuals
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an advantage at school,
individuals
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who work hard are able to face everything to get to their goal, and
that is
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why I am of the opinion of hard-working and determination will make
people
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to success.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

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Task Response
Your essay addresses both views, but the arguments are not fully developed. Expand on each point to provide more detailed arguments and examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is somewhat clear, but there is room for improvement in organizing your ideas for a more cohesive argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • perseverance
  • discipline
  • resilience
  • effort
  • tenacity
  • external factors
  • financial resources
  • favorable appearance
  • perceptions
  • advantages
  • intrinsic
  • extrinsic
  • sustainable
  • facilitating
  • undeniable
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