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Band 6.5

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT SOME STUDENTS SPEND A GAP YEAR DOING VOLUNTARY WORK OR PURSUING THEIR OWN INTERESTS BEFORE STARTING UNIVERSITY LIFE. DO U AGREE OR DISAGREE?

#people #students #gap #year #work #interests #university #life
From a traditional point of view, going to university immediately after graduating high
school
 was a common option.
However
, nowadays it is widely accepted that having a gap
year
 before going to higher education is beneficial for various reasons, and I strongly agree with
this
 idea.
To begin
 with, a gap
year
 can help individuals to find their ultimate purpose
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
. As a teenager, students usually focus on achieving their academic performance in
school
, which
did
Wrong verb form
does
show examples
 not leave any time to think about what they should pursue
otherwise
. Travelling or doing part-time jobs can open up opportunities to think about what they want to do in the future. One of my friends in Japan,
for instance
, went to Africa at
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 of 19, to join medical programs.
From
Change preposition
After
show examples
 a week of
experience
, she made up her mind to major in biology and prepare for medical
school
 to become a doctor. After 6 years, she was able to get into the medical
school
.
Consequently
,
this
 demonstrates how new experiences in their critical age could affect the rest of their
life
 in a positive way by helping them to explore
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
ways for self-development.
Furthermore
, students can encounter various
people
 by doing voluntary work or part-time jobs, which they have not had a chance to face before. In the classroom, it is more likely to get
along with
people
 of the same age.
However
, from the work or daycare centre, it is more common to meet
people
 from diverse backgrounds and ages. From my personal
experience
, when I was 20 years old, I used to go to the local daycare centre for seniors every Monday as a volunteer. Elderly
people
 told me lots of enchanting anecdotes
those
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
related to their
life
 experiences, which helped me become more open-minded.
As a result
, my volunteer
experience
 opened up a new point of view for seeing the world.
To conclude
, for some
people
 it is apparent that going to university right after graduating high
school
 is more of an average option.
However
, as a gap
year
 can give us an original viewpoint and help us to find the core values of
life
, I strongly assert that one should have a chance to
experience
 a
year
 off before going to university.
Submitted by JE on

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clarity
Try to refine some of the language used for clarity. For example, " teenagers usually focus on achieving their academic performance in school" could be rephrased as "teenagers usually focus on their academic performance in school."
coherence
Ensure consistent verb tenses throughout your essay to improve overall coherence.
sophisticated language usage
Use more varied sentence structures to add sophistication to your writing. This can help with maintaining the reader's interest and making your argument more engaging.
introduction
The introduction is clear and provides a strong stance on the issue early on.
relevancy
Examples given are highly relevant and effectively support the main points.
organization
The essay is well-organized with a clear logical structure, making it easy to follow.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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