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Band 7

Doctors in many countries are saying that people are not getting enough physical exercise. What are the causes of this and how it can be addressed?

#doctors #countries #people #exercise
Healthy
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A healthy
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 body not only requires a good diet but
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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also
 needs some
exercise
. Medical specialists are stating that our new generation does not get involved in physical activities. I will spread light on some reasons why
people
 do not
exercise
 and will share some remedies to tackle
this
 issue in the upcoming paragraph. One of the main reasons why
people
 are not doing too much work out is because of their hectic schedule. In another world,
people
 are more concerned about working longer hours to earn more money.
Also
, the greediness of making money has removed
exercise
 time from their timetable list.
For instance
,
according to
 the World Newspaper, 86% of
people
 work more than ten hours per day and they spend the rest of their time lying in bed in order to relax. A lack of physical activity leads to a range of serious problems, so it is imperative that
this
 issue is tackled. One possible solution is when physical education seminars will be arranged twice a month in the companies.
Moreover
, companies must give eight-hour shifts to every employee in a day and get membership deals from the gym for their workers, so they could get advantages by doing exercises.
For example
, if a person spends 15 minutes working out in the gym he might decrease the chance of a heart attack.
In addition
,
people
 will not have to deal with the questions regarding doing
exercise
 which are asked by doctors during the illness. In conclusion, a busy lifestyle reduces the Chances of doing physical activities but limiting working hours and joining activity centres can make our healthy lifestyle.
Submitted by maninderdeep on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is fair, but there are places where the transitions between ideas could be smoother. Try to employ a wider range of connecting words and phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Although your main points are generally well-supported, there is some inconsistency in the depth of this support. For example, the third paragraph gives a highly effective, detailed example, but the second paragraph's supporting evidence is somewhat lackluster. Aim for more consistently detailed support across your main points.
task achievement
You've provided a complete response to the task, identifying causes of reduced physical exercise and suggesting remedies. However, the last point about 'people not having to deal with the questions regarding exercise which are asked by doctors during the illness' is unclear and fragmented. It doesn't contribute anything meaningful to your argument, and so it detracts from the overall clarity of your response. Consider deleting this point or expanding on it to provide a clearer idea.
task achievement
You gave relevant, specific examples to illustrate your points, enhancing their persuasiveness. For example, the statistic from the World Newspaper is very powerful. However, you could improve your response by in citing legitimate and well-recognised sources for the statistics you mention. You could either invent a more credible source (for the purposes of this exam) or state that it's from research without specifying a source.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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